Love, care and resistance

I've always been VERY resistant to sharing, and I only share personal problems to people that I choose to share to (and I am VERY VERYpicky in this aspect!!). Some problems, in fact, I NEVER share to anyone except like 1 or 2 people. Quite strange, considering that I'm someone who usually tries to get others to share their problems. I wonder how much I would open up and share if I met myself as a separate person...

Yet, more recently, I'm also feeling the love of my closer friends more strongly. Some friends can tell I'm having problems through my nick, and some just sms me when they think something may be wrong. It's also a striking reminder of how people think of me behind back my back (ok that sounds very weird... very ego... nvm...) and how much they really care. One of these friends has been facing some problems, but when she saw my nick, she was concerned and asked me how I was (so sad, this sem hardly can talk to her... :( ). At the same time, I've also been talking to her online (I'm REALLY glad she comes online often) and just checking on how she is. I miss the times when we spent more time together in school, but still, I can feel the depth of the friendship and how it goes way beyond just meeting physically. Behind each other's backs, we still care very deeply about each other.

Another of these friends is one whom I've been spending a lot more time with for this sem. On several occasions, she was worried something may be wrong with me, and she would sms or talk to me about some of these things. Most of these were more of her concern and worry than actual problems (or so I feel...), but the extent of care and concern from her has really AMAZED me. It's probably cos I didn't know that she would be so caring about others, especially since I got to know her MUCH better in this sem as compared to previous sems, in which we were more like occasional study buddies. I'm REALLY glad that this sem I got to see and experience a side of her that I never saw a lot of before.

In terms of extent of opening up to these 2 friends, I'm quite comfortable sharing anything to the 1st friend, although usually what I share depends on what comes to mind. For the 2nd friend, I'm still in the process of learning to open up. It's not that I'm becoming more open (that won't change so easily...), but it's the extent of her love and care that I'm beginning to feel, and it is that which is making me open up to her more.

Interestingly, her care for me also allows me an opportunity to see things from the receiver's point of view, instead of the giver's point of view which I've seen so much of. For me though, although many times she worries "wrongly" cos she cares a lot, I still feel the love and care behind that worry. But sometimes when I'm concerned about others in the same way, it sometimes scares them instead... so strange... oh well, I suppose not all people take it the same way.

"Hi, Guangrong!" "Hi... ...Guangrong."

It's been about a month, but wow that was a really wonderful moment that I probably need more of.

I've been joining my Chemistry friend's cell for some time. About a month ago, we had an outing to Sentosa to celebrate one of the cell member's birthday (and to have fun!). We're were all playing around, having fun and even tossing people into the water (only 2... next time hopefully can toss more people haha! Although I might end up being one of them...). I couldn't help thinking how much it reminded me of the Science Camp I went through almost 3 years ago. More importantly, though, for once in quite a long while, I found back someone important, someone whom I felt that I've been losing contact with. That time, I found back... myself. For the 1st time in quite a while, during that outing, I felt like I was myself again. Not the quiet, self-conscious part of me that seems to be surfacing more and more recently, but the cheerful, fun-loving, carefree, playful person that I've normally been.

In fact, the Chinese New Year that passed further showed this to me. Even though usually it was because my sister overshadowed me that I decide to let her mix around while I remain quiet, this time she wasn't around, but I was still in that same state. My godmother even commented that I'm now more quiet, whereas last time I used to be more talkative and chatty. I guess most people just see it as me "growing up"? So no one would actually suspect anything wrong.

But yes, I've been feeling that I'm losing who I really am. It's quite scary, cos if I lose who I really am, no one in all of eternity can ever find that person. The REAL Guangrong would literally just disappear from existence, never to be known or heard of. And the one replacing him, would be someone who never can be real nor true. That is REALLY scary...

I've seen my faults at work before, and often they work even when I don't realise it. I've wondered before, is it better to keep who I am and run the risk of making the same mistakes, or is it better to try to be someone new that won't make the same mistakes at all? Yet, as much as I've done, the real me can never be fully suppressed. When I see friends hurting, even though they may be friends I don't know very well, they WILL still attract my attention and care. It may be strange for them to suddenly see the caring side of me if they don't know me well, and it could shock them or scare them, but that is still me!! The REAL me!! For all my faults and weaknesses, am I willing to give up who I really am and who I could really be?

One thing that still stays strong in my memory was my talk with a friend after Science Camp ended. He pointed out some of my flaws in my behaviour, and in some ways he was right: some of the others from my orientation group did gossip about me. Yet, during the camp, I was myself, and it was when I was truly myself, with both my strengths and flaws in terms of how I related to people, that some of these friends were drawn to me, and these friends have now become my closest friends in all of NUS. If I wasn't myself then, would I still have found such close friends??

A few nights ago, I almost cried myself to sleep, thinking about how I was losing who I really was. But, from the things my friends have told me, despite all the flaws, weaknesses and problems, I still want to be who I really am. Maybe I've overly suppressed it alr, and even a sponge that's overly squashed can't return to it's proper shape.

During a recent cell session, I shared that I realised that our hearts are usually more true and reliable than our emotions. My friend innocently replied that according to the Bible, "the heart is deceitful above all else", to which I didn't know what to reply without sharing something too personal to tell the rest of the group. But the reason I made that statement is because I've come to realise that it's my emotions that are making me self-conscious, not my heart. It's my emotions that are criticising my flaws, especially when mistakes surface. However, my heart has been telling me to be who I really am and not to suppress it. To learn from where I went wrong (although of course there's always the possibility of making mistakes again...), but yet to be the joyful, cheerful, caring, fun-loving, playful person that I really am. To be who I really should be. To be the REAL Guangrong.

Hope to catch up again, Guangrong.