With All I Am, I will worship Your Majesty Forever

Now is early morning on 31st Dec, and in just over 24 hours I will be flying off to San Diego. As of now, my mind is clouded with the thoughts of what I'm expecting for myself, and the Christian songs that have impacted me during this period of spiritual low.

The first song is With All I Am. I find the verses of the song very reflective because as I sing it, it makes me think about whether I am REALLY doing what the verse says. "Into Your hand, I commit again, with all I am, for You, Lord." "I'll walk with You wherever You go. Through tears and joy, I'll trust in You." (Notice the word "again" in the first line.) We all go through ups and downs, joys and tears, laughter and pain. How much are we really willing to give or commit to God and place into His hands? The title itself already gives you the right answer, but being who we are, how much do we willingly give? Sometimes, when life is crushing down hard on you, will you say in all sincerity that "I'll walk with You wherever You go. Through tears and joy, I'll trust in You"? For me, I've been through a lot of hard times, even what I'm going through now.

Another thing that strikes me from this song is how God loves little us. "You hold my world in the palm of Your hand, and I am Yours, forever." I've never held the world in the palm of my hand, but I have held a chick in the palm of my hand before, and my goodness they are so cute and adorable!! It's so nice holding them and stroking the little furballs, and often I did wish the chick was mine... Replace the chick with you and me with God, and maybe you'll get a simplified rough idea of how much God loves and treasures us (although we are definitely not as adorable as chicks...).

The next song is Your Majesty. For this song, it's the chorus that strikes me most. "I lay my all before You now." "In royal robes I don't deserve, I live to serve Your Majesty." Similarly to the previous song, this song also has a line which talks about giving everything to God and laying out all we are for Him to use. The part that touches me most is the reminder that we are now saved and are God's children, a royal priesthood, but NONE of this was even deserved. It strikes me especially because for much of my life, the one thing that I experienced was rejection by people around me. For anyone who has experienced much rejection, knowing that someone loves you and accepts you for who you are is VERY, VERY comforting.

The last song is Forever. The lyrics struck me very strongly the first time I heard the song, and these lyrics are still very meaningful to me. It also reminds me of a promise that I made through this song, which is to love God forever. I admit this has kind of faded, but it still holds, and I hope that this love can be revived once again.

With All I Am:
Into Your hand
I commit again
With all I am
For You, Lord
You hold my world
In the palm of Your hand
And I am Yours, forever

CHORUS
Jesus, I believe in You
Jesus, I belong to You
You're the reason that I live
The reason that I sing
With all I am

I'll walk with You
Wherever You go
Through tears and joy
I'll trust in You
And I will live
In all of Your ways
And Your promises, forever

Jesus, I believe in You
Jesus, I belong to You
You're the reason that I live
The reason that I sing
With all I am

BRIDGE
I will worship
I will worship You
I will worship
I will worship You

Jesus, I believe in You
Jesus, I belong to You
You're the reason that I live
The reason that I sing
With all I am


Your Majesty:
King of kings, majesty
God of heaven living in me
Gentle Saviour, closest Friend
Strong Deliverer, Beginning and End
All within me falls at Your throne

CHORUS
Your Majesty, I can't but bow
I lay my all before You now
In royal robes I don't deserve
I live to serve Your Majesty

Earth and heaven worship You
Love eternal, faithful and true
Who bought the nations, ransomed souls
Bought this sinner near to Your throne
All within me cries out in praise

Your Majesty, I can't but bow
I lay my all before You now
In royal robes I don't deserve
I live to serve Your Majesty


Forever:
I’ll worship at Your throne
Whisper my own love song
With all my heart I’ll sing
For You my Dad and King

I’ll live for all my days
To put a smile on Your face
And when we finally meet
It’ll be for eternity

BRIDGE
And oh, how wide You open up Your arms
When I need Your love
And how far You would come
If ever I was lost
You said that all You feel for me
Is undying love
That You showed me through the cross

CHORUS
I’ll worship You my God
I’ll worship You my God
I love You, I love You
Forever I will sing
Forever I will be with You, be with You

Dying embers, a past promise & memories of the past

I just came back from meeting a friend from breakfast. Even as he gave me much to think about, there are so many thoughts clouding my mind now (including some rather urgent ones...).

When I first started going to church, I never expected what was to come. I guess I did expect a tough journey, and everyone's journey is unique, but what I got was something I never expected or asked for, both positively and negatively.

Just 2 years back, I made a promise. A promise that I hoped would be permanent, but things have faded now... I've been through a lot, before AND after baptism. By the time I reached baptism, I thought I had already gone through a lot, but the truth was that there was a lot more to come. What eventually happens to that promise, may just be answered in the coming months.

I also remember a time when my spiritual walk was so much better, a time when my faith was so much stronger. The experience was wonderful and valuable! Incredibly, I gained a new "ability", which was so accurate that sometimes I argued against it only to find myself proven wrong later on. What happened was that I would feel a "prompting" as to someone who was feeling alone in the church. In most cases, I would respond to the prompting. There were a few occasions, however, when I was convincing myself that this person cannot be feeling this way, such as "This person is close to this group" or "This person seems to be mixing around so well" or "This person has been around in church for so long". I was later to discover by some way or other that ALL the promptings that I "rejected" were true and I was wrong, which convinced me that these promptings were not just my feelings but promptings from God. By now, though, my faith has weakened a lot and I no longer feel these promptings, but it was one of the things that reminds me of how much better my walk used to be. When I leave Singapore, it will be with dying embers in my heart, but I do hope I will return with these embers set aflame once again and burning strong.

There have been so many past experiences I had in church, most of which remain as memories which I know will never occur or have a very low chance of ever occuring again, and these are memories that I still cherish deeply. There are people who have come and people who have left, but overall, I feel that my church is not as strong as it was once was.

A teacher in the church once said during one of the lessons, "Look at the people around you. 50 years down the road, how many of them will still be here?" Even as I'm not sure which church I'll be in after I return, whether I'll stay or whether I'll go, I'm also wondering about the others I see in church now. I'll be going away for 6 months, but I've seen before how within a short period of a few months (I think it was about 3 months the other time) so many people left church.

I was just thinking through some of my earlier blog entries, and I realised that many of the well-known godly people we hear of are people who didn't conform to their church environment and habits, but they stepped out beyond the influence of their own church to do what was right in God's sight. At that time, they were naturally rejected by their own church, but now people remember them for what they did. Sometimes, working to gain the acceptance of others isn't the right way, and for me, it probably isn't. But for now, it's time I seriously considered the basis of my life and make a personal choice again, because everything else will stem from this.

No one can change the environment that one is away from, but one can only change one's self. Whatever changes there are in church when I return, I cannot do anything about it, but what happens to me is what I can change. And I want to return, changed.

Right now, I better attend to some other urgent matters first...

A new phase, a new stage, everything removed. No spiritual support, no stressors either.

Wow it's been a long time since I last blogged... wonder who will realise I just added another post.

I just saw a friend off yesterday morning. She's going Canada on an exchange programme, to study in McGill University, and will be back next semester. This friend is a friend whom I'm quite close and is one of the closest spiritual friends I've ever found. Seeing this friend off was like God saying "Ok, I'm going to take away your strongest spiritual support for now."

But it's not just her. In a few days' times, I will also be going for exchange to University of California, San Diego. I'll be going for 2 quarters and will be coming back in the middle of next year. Time passes so fast and I'll be leaving soon.

Some weeks earlier, one of my friends was expressing concern over my spiritual walk while I'm in San Diego. I emailed a senior, and she told me that she found her exchange programme to be more of a spiritual retreat than a spiritual testing. I think it'll probably be the same for me too. As I go on this trip, my spiritual support is pretty much gone, and I'll be alone in a brand new environment. Seeing my friend off was more than enough of a reminder... At the same time, the stressors that have been bugging me would also be gone. The pressures from home, the pressures from church... Due to some problems in my church, I've recently been considering changing church, but haven't visited any other churches yet. I'm still wondering what will happen when I come back. Will I stay in my current church or will I visit other churches? How different will things be? Hmm...

Going over to San Diego will be a step into a new environment. I'm sure there's alot of excitement and fun that awaits me, but I've also received safety warnings to be careful and take care of myself. What will happen there and what will happen when I get back is anybody's guess. Hopefully, I will return spiritually strong enough to be ready for a relationship, one that can truly be honourable to God. But only time will tell.