Spiritual community

It's 1:04am now, the latest time I've ever come back from an ICF gathering. But it's no surprise that it ended this late. The ICF gathering today is the last ICF gathering of the quarter and the UCSD academic year and everyone has been spending lots of time taking photos. This unfortunately also means it's my last ICF session here. I've known very well that I'll miss ICF when I go back to Singapore, but it was just now that the feelings really started to hit me.

During the worship today, one of the songs we were singing was "Still". As we were singing that song, the thoughts that came to my mind were about my plans after returning to Singapore, and especially my spiritual growth, and how God would be there in the midst of all the uncertainty. At the same time, these thoughts also made me realise how much I would REALLY miss ICF.

The past 5 months of being in ICF have been REALLY wonderful for me. I've found a group of friends that I've become close to, and I've enjoyed all the food, fun and Bible study. Most of all, I really treasure the love, acceptance and fellowship that I've experienced in this spiritual community. In actual fact, not all the people in ICF are Christians. Many of them (as you might have guessed) are international students who were introduced to ICF through various ways and people. But, among this community that mixes Christians and non-Christians, I've found a sense of belonging and acceptance. The people here are warm, friendly and just willing to be themselves (including fooling around and having fun). :) Yet, they are also very friendly and caring. There were times when I was doing my work, and out of the blue a few will suddenly talk to me (usually on Gmail), asking me how I've been. I've also met some of them outside of ICF time, to do stuff together, or maybe to meet up for meals and pray together. Wow... I've found a spiritual community that I've grown REALLY attached to...

Just a few weeks back, one of my friends was talking to me about how there were only 5 more weeks of ICF left for the quarter. She was saying that it was going by so fast!! Time really flies... now all the ICF sessions for this quarter are over, and it's also means that all the ICF sessions for me are over. Hoping for more informal gatherings now...

Some time after the worship, we had a time of open sharing, where people could go to the front of the room and just share their thoughts and feelings will the rest of the group. After a while, I decided to go up and share. I shared about how I came to San Diego in a rather bad spiritual state, and how I came to find strength and support in this spiritual community that ICF had provided. As I was sharing, I was thinking about how much I would miss ICF, and actually I was on the verge of tearing. Later on, however, we had a time of prayer for various groups and one of the staff leaders who was ending his service in ICF. One of the groups of people that was prayed for was those who were leaving at the end of this quarter, so it was this time when I received prayer from the others. As the others surrounded the group of us and prayed for us, I felt the strength, support, love, acceptance and belonging that this community had provided, and I felt how much I would REALLY miss this spiritual community. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore and was crying while some of the others were still praying for our group.

While here in San Diego, I've found a spiritual community that has been so loving and so accepting. The leaders in the ICF community (which includes some of the students) have always been so ready to bless people, often going out of their way if they feel they could do more to bless others. I've brought 2 friends to ICF (both were quite unexpected actually...) and I've serve in the worship team for ICF, but in truth it pales in comparison to what I've received. I've told myself, when I go back to Singapore, I WILL find a spiritual community that I can grow in, a spiritual community where I know the friends I bring will feel welcome and will want to stay on, a spiritual community where God's love is so strong and evident to the people who come. Where I will find this community, I don't know, but I'll just have to wait and see God's plans for me.

"They'll know we are Christians by our love."

Facing the past - "I miss you"

People are often envious of my strong memory. Most of the time, it is a really great help, especially in exams and also in my sense of direction. At the same time, I'm also an emotional person, and I tend to relate to people more through feelings and emotions. However, the combination of a strong memory and my emotional nature has also led to one of the darkest things in my life - a past that constantly haunts me.

I remember in the past I had very few friends. Thus, I stuck with those who accepted me, and often asked them if I could join them for various things. Whenever I asked, though, I was ALWAYS wondering: It is really ok for them? I was always SOOO scared that I would end up annoying them until they would rather I not be with them, and unfortunately that was usually what would eventually happen. It was so painful...

Just late last week, that same feeling came back. The friend involved was a friend that I had been spending quite a lot of time with for this quarter, and this friend is a very friendly and approachable person. I never got any negative vibes from her, and this feeling suddenly came over me unexpectedly. It was DEFINITELY my past coming back to haunt me.

It seems so hopeless, or at least it was for me last time. Yet, while on exchange, I've experienced a new sense of acceptance. Even before I came on exchange, I already felt acceptance from the Chemistry friends I had in school, but coming on this exchange did help me to feel a new sense of acceptance. One thing that has especially came to mean a lot to me is "I miss you".

People only miss those who mean a lot to them. I guess for me, I've learned to care for the friends around me, cos you never know how much that care could mean to someone. I've read or heard news of people committing suicide, and sometimes I did ask myself whether I could prevent that if I knew that person. I knew the person's suicide wasn't my fault, but it was a thought I often entertained. Of course, I also wouldn't know if the care I showed to my friends did mean that much to them too. But while on exchange, there are some people who have told me that they missed me (and others did the same indirectly by constantly asking me when I'm going back haha), and these few words have given me a new sense of acceptance that I never felt so strongly before. It shows that these friends not only accept me as their friend (for real), but that they REALLY treasure having me around with them. Through these words and the essence of the meaning behind them, I've found new strength and a new, more powerful sense of acceptance.

I don't know when I'll be able to overcome my past. I'm still trying, and trust me it's not the easiest thing in my life to do. I'm pretty much going against all the mental and emotional barriers and walls that have been there for years, and I'm learning to change and become a different, better person that God would want me to be. But I know, with the support from others, this is a formidable obstacle in my life that I can eventually overcome fully.