Facing the past - "I miss you"
People are often envious of my strong memory. Most of the time, it is a really great help, especially in exams and also in my sense of direction. At the same time, I'm also an emotional person, and I tend to relate to people more through feelings and emotions. However, the combination of a strong memory and my emotional nature has also led to one of the darkest things in my life - a past that constantly haunts me.
I remember in the past I had very few friends. Thus, I stuck with those who accepted me, and often asked them if I could join them for various things. Whenever I asked, though, I was ALWAYS wondering: It is really ok for them? I was always SOOO scared that I would end up annoying them until they would rather I not be with them, and unfortunately that was usually what would eventually happen. It was so painful...
Just late last week, that same feeling came back. The friend involved was a friend that I had been spending quite a lot of time with for this quarter, and this friend is a very friendly and approachable person. I never got any negative vibes from her, and this feeling suddenly came over me unexpectedly. It was DEFINITELY my past coming back to haunt me.
It seems so hopeless, or at least it was for me last time. Yet, while on exchange, I've experienced a new sense of acceptance. Even before I came on exchange, I already felt acceptance from the Chemistry friends I had in school, but coming on this exchange did help me to feel a new sense of acceptance. One thing that has especially came to mean a lot to me is "I miss you".
People only miss those who mean a lot to them. I guess for me, I've learned to care for the friends around me, cos you never know how much that care could mean to someone. I've read or heard news of people committing suicide, and sometimes I did ask myself whether I could prevent that if I knew that person. I knew the person's suicide wasn't my fault, but it was a thought I often entertained. Of course, I also wouldn't know if the care I showed to my friends did mean that much to them too. But while on exchange, there are some people who have told me that they missed me (and others did the same indirectly by constantly asking me when I'm going back haha), and these few words have given me a new sense of acceptance that I never felt so strongly before. It shows that these friends not only accept me as their friend (for real), but that they REALLY treasure having me around with them. Through these words and the essence of the meaning behind them, I've found new strength and a new, more powerful sense of acceptance.
I don't know when I'll be able to overcome my past. I'm still trying, and trust me it's not the easiest thing in my life to do. I'm pretty much going against all the mental and emotional barriers and walls that have been there for years, and I'm learning to change and become a different, better person that God would want me to be. But I know, with the support from others, this is a formidable obstacle in my life that I can eventually overcome fully.
I remember in the past I had very few friends. Thus, I stuck with those who accepted me, and often asked them if I could join them for various things. Whenever I asked, though, I was ALWAYS wondering: It is really ok for them? I was always SOOO scared that I would end up annoying them until they would rather I not be with them, and unfortunately that was usually what would eventually happen. It was so painful...
Just late last week, that same feeling came back. The friend involved was a friend that I had been spending quite a lot of time with for this quarter, and this friend is a very friendly and approachable person. I never got any negative vibes from her, and this feeling suddenly came over me unexpectedly. It was DEFINITELY my past coming back to haunt me.
It seems so hopeless, or at least it was for me last time. Yet, while on exchange, I've experienced a new sense of acceptance. Even before I came on exchange, I already felt acceptance from the Chemistry friends I had in school, but coming on this exchange did help me to feel a new sense of acceptance. One thing that has especially came to mean a lot to me is "I miss you".
People only miss those who mean a lot to them. I guess for me, I've learned to care for the friends around me, cos you never know how much that care could mean to someone. I've read or heard news of people committing suicide, and sometimes I did ask myself whether I could prevent that if I knew that person. I knew the person's suicide wasn't my fault, but it was a thought I often entertained. Of course, I also wouldn't know if the care I showed to my friends did mean that much to them too. But while on exchange, there are some people who have told me that they missed me (and others did the same indirectly by constantly asking me when I'm going back haha), and these few words have given me a new sense of acceptance that I never felt so strongly before. It shows that these friends not only accept me as their friend (for real), but that they REALLY treasure having me around with them. Through these words and the essence of the meaning behind them, I've found new strength and a new, more powerful sense of acceptance.
I don't know when I'll be able to overcome my past. I'm still trying, and trust me it's not the easiest thing in my life to do. I'm pretty much going against all the mental and emotional barriers and walls that have been there for years, and I'm learning to change and become a different, better person that God would want me to be. But I know, with the support from others, this is a formidable obstacle in my life that I can eventually overcome fully.
posted by Guangrong at
2:14 pm
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