"I'm attached."

Before whoever is reading this blog gets the wrong idea, NO I AM NOT ATTACHED. But I thought this title would be quite suitable for this blog entry. I haven't been doing well spiritually, and I'm supposed to be watching my Jap film now (for the lesson tmr), but I can't concentrate on the film if I don't get this out of my head first...

I heards LOTS of cases of people getting attached and breaking up. Ok, fewer for the breaking up since probably only that person's close friends will know and people will find out much later, but still, I've heard my fair share of cases. Some of my friends attached now are in their 1st relationship, some have been attached a few times alr. It's so easy to keep noticing who's attached and wondering to myself about when I will get attached too.

I have read stuff about it, but it was only when I was talking to my friend today that I was REALLY thinking about it. Some friends who are close to me do tell me about when they are attached and when they break up, and it is interesting to know how they are (maybe not always, esp when they are not doing well from breaking up...). It does seem so nice to be attached, having someone to love and to be with, but often this is but an illusion.

I read a book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris, and it made me think that we should have marriage in mind when we get attached to someone. When we begin a relationship, I think VERY few people think of marriage in mind, but what Joshua Harris said is true - When you get into a relationship, it can only have 2 results: break up or marriage. If you don't think about marriage, then you're pretty much headed for just 1 direction... I often ask my friends how it's like being attached, but I never asked them "Do you see yourself living with this person?" Should try that out and see what kind of responses I get haha. :)

But the main thing now isn't about getting attached, as much as it keeps getting in my face. My spiritual walk has been in a really bad state (unfortunately that's an understatement...) and it's REALLY about time I started picking up the pieces and putting them together again. It feels like I'm starting my spiritual walk from scratch, but oh well, I started from scratch once before... Even when I'm still wondering where to find a spiritual community like what I found in San Diego, I found friends in NUS that I'm close to and can share to. Instead of finding a "proper" community to grow in, I should let the support help me to grow first, while I'm still searching for a community.

I do like a girl right now. I admit I have thought about many future long-term issues, esp if we do get married, but many of these issues have to be resolved together with her. A lot of my friends who know about it have been asking me, checking on me and teasing me about it. They've also been warning me that if I don't tell her soon, I might lose her to someone else. Yet, I also know she doesn't get attached easily (which works both ways, for me and against me...). It often feels like I'm competing with time, but I told myself that if I'm not ready, I'm not going to initiate a relationship (or else I'm just going to end up bringing her down with her...). Maybe I will lose out on a girl like her. I know many of my friends are warning me out of concern for me. I often do feel that time is not on my side, and that by the time I recover spiritually, I would have lost my chance. Yet, rushing through things (like trying to quick-rebuild my spiritual walk, if that's possible) isn't going to get me anywhere. Maybe I would get attached to her, but if I'm not in the state I thought I was, I could be in for even more disappointment. I do hope that the 1st relationship I have would be the last (ie she would become my wife), but things like this take time.

I've realised that I can NEVER be sure if things will work out even if I get attached to her. Maybe there could be parental objection? I've seen friends who got attached even with support from youth leaders, and still broke up. Who knows? But I have seen times in the past, when I really felt God's leading. The time when I decided to get baptised, it was a very indescribable kind of prompting ("just feel like it", that's the best I can explain...). Even when I was thinking that I was going to get baptised during a certain time (which interestingly would have allowed me to get baptised at the same time as another girl I liked then), I just "had a feeling" that it wasn't the right time, and eventually I got baptised on the subsequent baptism instead. Other occasions were when I suddenly felt like someone in church was feeling quite alone. On some of those occasions, I was convincing myself that it couldn't be, but eventually I turned out to be wrong, and that "feeling" turned out to be right! This "feeling" is a feeling that I REALLY REALLY miss, and maybe it's only when that feeling comes back, that I know I'm ready. And it's at that time, when I'll tell her, probably in my own time, in my own way, that will be uniquely me haha. :)

Ok I should be going to watch my movie now...