I think when people see the title, they'll think the part in brackets is probably a part I'm wondering about. But the title is actually more symbolic than thought-based. It supposed to mean that I would expect spiritual growth, and not be expecting a relationship but leaving it in God's hands. So there is uncertainty, but no expectations or worry. It's not the state I'm in now, but the state I hope to be in eventually, which also includes A LOT more things.
When I came on this exchange programme, I told myself I wanted spiritual growth. Well, I got more than I expected. In order for me to REALLY grow spiritually (at least if I'm aiming for a BIG recovery and not just slight growth), there are several issues I've to face before I'll be truly able to grow.
One of those issues is friendship, which I mentioned in my last post. I've been having a problem trying to make friends in school due to the academic system, and I've also probably been spending too much time and effort trying to make friends.
Another issue is that of self-appreciation and self-esteem. I seldom appreciate myself for who I am, but I have always had a low self-esteem and a lousy impression of myself (partly cos of past experiences that have permanently scarred me). I know that overcoming my own past is one of the key steps for this growth. And God has a very "interesting" sense of timing, cos it's this period when I'm overseas that some friends from my past started adding me on Facebook. While I've forgiven them for what they've done (anyway everyone has grown up), the emotional scarring that came from them and from other sources still remain, and it has become part of how I see myself, as lousier than others, maybe even as a loser compared to others. Seeing them again also does remind me of my painful past, even though I've kind of put that behind me. For so many years, I've just suppressed the emotional scarring and never really overcame it, so it's just been sitting there happily in my life, a region of untouchable pain and darkness.
I suppose this has led into another issue, which is that of self-consciousness. I'm a very self-conscious person, often wondering what others think of me, and this comes from the low self-esteem that has stayed as a part of who I am. This self-consciousness has probably affected my decision-making on many occasions, and probably there were times when I could have done something better for God if I just had more courage and less self-consciousness.
When I think of spiritual growth, I think back to a time in the past when I was stronger, to the point where I was feeling more willing to be on my own. At that time, I found more strength in God than I do now. Yet, even then, I had never overcome these key issues but had merely strongly suppressed them. So if I expect myself to grow spiritually beyond what I was then, it's going to be a lot more difficult and a lot more painful.
I seem to have placed an impossible task before myself, don't you think? I hope it's more improbable than impossible though. One of my friends recently gave me some reflective tasks to do, which I think would be VERY helpful to me. I've also been thinking about the various spiritual aspects of my life. For me, God's love has always meant a lot, that He would accept us and love us for who we are. I've also learn to draw strength from God on several occasions, Yet, a deep spiritual walk entails more than just these. A life that's worshipful and God-honouring includes love of God, but also joy in God, strength in God, courage in God and awe of God. Once I manage to settle the key issues and grow much more in God again, I know all these aspects will come in, and make this relationship with God more wholesome. Words are easy to type, but accomplishing will take a lot more effort, and now I probably just need prayer and support. The road ahead will be a dark and painful one, but if I get through it successfully, it'll be one of the biggest life transformations I'll have ever gone through.
Various quotes in my life:
"Huh? I want to change group! Don't want to be in his (referring to me) group!"
"If God could give me close friends, I would become a Christian." :'(
"I didn't get into Council, I didn't get into House Reps. Life just feels so hopeless." :'(
"Remember that we're always here for you."
"Can you bring me to your church?"
"I'm feeling so stressed! If only there was someone I could talk to!"
"Everyone else has close friends in church except me! I feel so alone! Why do I have to go through this?? Why do I have to face this pain?? WHY???" :'(
"I've endured this long enough. I'll let this be my last week in church."
"Am I just going to go like this without helping myself?"
"I came back to church because I realised that I needed God in my life. I really encourage you to stay on."
"I love You! I love You! Forever I will sing, forever I will be with you."
"God, I just wish You would tell me that You love me."
"You are precious to Me. I love you."
"Our church's Youth Ministry has a track record of many youths leaving our church. Let's pray for these youths that you see before you, that God will keep each and every one of them coming regularly to our church."
"Some are now worshipping in other churches, some are no longer walking with the Lord. Look around you. 30 years down the road, would all of you still be here?"
"Whatever people may say bout you in the future, stand strong cuz no matter what, you're a wonderful person k? Remember that."
Christian songs that have impacted me through my spiritual journey:
Forever, Jesus Lover of My Soul, Lord I Offer My Life, Through It All, Who Am I, You Laid Aside Your Majesty, Once Again, Majesty, Still, Above All, The Heart of Worship, Power of Your Love, More Than Life, Knowing You, Here I Am to Worship, To the Ends of the Earth, God of Wonders, Refiner's Fire, The Potter's Hand, With All I Am, Your Majesty, Stained Glass Masquerade, If We Are the Body, Consuming Fire, Spirit Touch Your Church, One Voice, God Will Make A Way, Draw Me Close to You, Shout to the Lord, Reign in Me, Hallelujah to the Lamb, Made to Worship
