Beyond recognition
I'm still travelling around with my mum and my sis, and actually this blog entry is kind of additional reflections for the trip.
On this trip, I feel like I been suppressed so much until I'm changing into someone I don't even recognise. The real me is so bubbly, cheerful, warm, friendly and caring, but I discovered that when I'm placed into an uncomfortable environment, I will become quiet. However, on this trip I've discovered something beyond that. When the discomfort becomes quite overbearing, I end up forming a self-defence, becoming very critical and judgemental. I remember times when I teased my friends before, but at least those were done in fun, but wow what I've seen on this trip is something I myself don't even recognise... and it's VERY scary... I'm like an irritated cat, aggressive and unpleasant, come near and I'll lash out. If I remain like that permanently, then the real me is as good as gone... I think the main thing that can help me is the comfort of friends...
The emotional toll I'm taking from this trip is also starting to affect me physically. I'm nowadays SUPER tired, even when the day has just started. I'm also super lethargic, and I can feel that I'm losing my appetite. I've been eating much less on this trip, and sometimes it's only hunger that makes me eat...
The worst part of it so far, though, came today, when I ignored God's prompting out of fear and discomfort. It'll be a painful and regretful memory that I'll take away for the trip. My mum, sis and I flew over to New Jersey today, touching down in JFK airport. We came out of the airport and this guy approached us, offering to provide a taxi service for us. The actual price for taxis from the airport to our hotel is $85 plus toll and tip, which adds to about $100+. However, after some bargaining, he agreed to my mum's offered price of $80, all in. So we got into his car and left the airport. Shortly after entering his car (before I knew anything else), I felt prompted to give him $5 more. I didn't have any of the money with me (it was all with my mum and sis) and I knew that my mum and sis wouldn't like me to voice it out, so I kept quiet.
Well, I was to learn the reason for that prompting eventually (God is never to be outdone, even by passiveness, and He will make sure we learn our lessons even if we have to learn it the hard way...). The driver stopped at a junction and asked us if we could pay an additional $5.50 more because of the toll charges. 1 toll was $5.50, while the other was $8, but he said he could cover for the 2nd one. My mum and sis, however, said that he agreed to the amount set, and didn't want to give him additional money. The driver tried persuading my mum to pay the $5.50 toll cos he knew he was getting ripped off (including telling us that he had not enough money for the toll), but my mum insisted on sticking to the agreement. In the midst of the conflict, while the car was stopped, I noticed his car key tag, and realised he was a Christian too.
The conflict eventually ended by my mum agreeing to pay $3 more. The driver was obviously not happy with that, but he just went with it. However, his attitude towards us was not what it was before. At the 1st toll, he took $5.50 from us to pay the toll, so we calculated that we would have to pay him $77.50. When we got to the airport and paid him the remainder for the ride, (I'm not sure if he was still trying to make us pay $80 as the remainder) he was quite mad and threw the change on the ground, before getting into his car and driving off.
Ok hopefully this account seems fairly neutral and unbiased. I definitely feel that both the driver and my family members had their fair share of mistakes. As for me, I was just sitting quietly in the passenger seat the whole time. That makes me innocent right?
Well, God definitely doesn't think so, and quite frankly neither do I. The entire conflict could have been avoided if I had obeyed Him and had the courage to overcome my fear and suppression. The fact that I had ignored God's prompting cos of my family has left me wondering how I'm going to grow spiritually at home. I REALLY have no idea what to do... And right now, for the sake of my spiritual walk, I'm considering moving out when I'm back in Singapore. There are a lot of factors to consider, such as expenditure and incurred costs. I'm definitely not going to rent a place on my own, maybe share with a few others or stay with another friend... some options to consider. Need to take some time to consider everything though...
On this trip, I feel like I been suppressed so much until I'm changing into someone I don't even recognise. The real me is so bubbly, cheerful, warm, friendly and caring, but I discovered that when I'm placed into an uncomfortable environment, I will become quiet. However, on this trip I've discovered something beyond that. When the discomfort becomes quite overbearing, I end up forming a self-defence, becoming very critical and judgemental. I remember times when I teased my friends before, but at least those were done in fun, but wow what I've seen on this trip is something I myself don't even recognise... and it's VERY scary... I'm like an irritated cat, aggressive and unpleasant, come near and I'll lash out. If I remain like that permanently, then the real me is as good as gone... I think the main thing that can help me is the comfort of friends...
The emotional toll I'm taking from this trip is also starting to affect me physically. I'm nowadays SUPER tired, even when the day has just started. I'm also super lethargic, and I can feel that I'm losing my appetite. I've been eating much less on this trip, and sometimes it's only hunger that makes me eat...
The worst part of it so far, though, came today, when I ignored God's prompting out of fear and discomfort. It'll be a painful and regretful memory that I'll take away for the trip. My mum, sis and I flew over to New Jersey today, touching down in JFK airport. We came out of the airport and this guy approached us, offering to provide a taxi service for us. The actual price for taxis from the airport to our hotel is $85 plus toll and tip, which adds to about $100+. However, after some bargaining, he agreed to my mum's offered price of $80, all in. So we got into his car and left the airport. Shortly after entering his car (before I knew anything else), I felt prompted to give him $5 more. I didn't have any of the money with me (it was all with my mum and sis) and I knew that my mum and sis wouldn't like me to voice it out, so I kept quiet.
Well, I was to learn the reason for that prompting eventually (God is never to be outdone, even by passiveness, and He will make sure we learn our lessons even if we have to learn it the hard way...). The driver stopped at a junction and asked us if we could pay an additional $5.50 more because of the toll charges. 1 toll was $5.50, while the other was $8, but he said he could cover for the 2nd one. My mum and sis, however, said that he agreed to the amount set, and didn't want to give him additional money. The driver tried persuading my mum to pay the $5.50 toll cos he knew he was getting ripped off (including telling us that he had not enough money for the toll), but my mum insisted on sticking to the agreement. In the midst of the conflict, while the car was stopped, I noticed his car key tag, and realised he was a Christian too.
The conflict eventually ended by my mum agreeing to pay $3 more. The driver was obviously not happy with that, but he just went with it. However, his attitude towards us was not what it was before. At the 1st toll, he took $5.50 from us to pay the toll, so we calculated that we would have to pay him $77.50. When we got to the airport and paid him the remainder for the ride, (I'm not sure if he was still trying to make us pay $80 as the remainder) he was quite mad and threw the change on the ground, before getting into his car and driving off.
Ok hopefully this account seems fairly neutral and unbiased. I definitely feel that both the driver and my family members had their fair share of mistakes. As for me, I was just sitting quietly in the passenger seat the whole time. That makes me innocent right?
Well, God definitely doesn't think so, and quite frankly neither do I. The entire conflict could have been avoided if I had obeyed Him and had the courage to overcome my fear and suppression. The fact that I had ignored God's prompting cos of my family has left me wondering how I'm going to grow spiritually at home. I REALLY have no idea what to do... And right now, for the sake of my spiritual walk, I'm considering moving out when I'm back in Singapore. There are a lot of factors to consider, such as expenditure and incurred costs. I'm definitely not going to rent a place on my own, maybe share with a few others or stay with another friend... some options to consider. Need to take some time to consider everything though...
posted by Guangrong at
1:24 pm
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