Trip reflections

I've been in America for almost 10 days haha! Still, thinking back to what I've been facing recently, this trip has also shown me several things.

I've come to realise that it's very hard to be myself when I'm with my family members. So, it turns out that what has suppressed me isn't only my past, but my family too. I realised it quite strikingly on this trip. On several occasions, especially when we're rushing or packing, it's really like a pressure cooker for me... And it really feels that so many things I do is wrong. I remember one occasion when we just reached one of the airports and had to return the rental car we were using. At that point, I needed to go to the toilet (been going to the toilet a lot cos of the cold weather). I knew it was bad timing, so I was desperately trying to hide it, but my sis still realised it and asked me. As I expected, she had a rather irritated look when I said I need to go and rushed off. Sigh it's not like I chose the timing. There were other occasions too when I needed to go to the toilet at a rather bad time, and I pretty much got the same irritated response each time.

Another occasion today was when I asked my mum's friend for some quarters (I've been collecting the American quarters since my SD exchange cos they have different states on the back!). My mum was quite annoyed with me and said I shouldn't do that. I know that isn't quite a "proper" thing to do, but he's my mum's friend and not some random stranger, plus it's just something simple and it's not like it's morally wrong or anything like that!!

There are a few things that I experienced at home that has made me suppress myself. One of these things is impatience, which largely comes from my sis. She often gets annoyed when I take some time to do things, which includes things that she asks me to do. Also, I've experienced quite a lot of irritation at home, which I realised has never helped my self-esteem at home. As a result of these, I hid my true bubbly cheerful self, and I also tried to avoid helping out or doing anything at home.

Thinking back, I've realised how much my family has affected how I think. My sis always tells my mum to make me do things myself, even if it's rather inconvenient for me, and getting help at home can be so difficult. These experiences, coupled with hearing friends complaining of being "arrowed" to do things (sometimes at the last minute), have made me learn to rely on myself and not on others, often even going through inconveniences, organisational problems or missing out on things. I remember when I was planning for a youth activity back in Bible Church, I handled everything by myself. However, by the time all the youths arrived, I was behind schedule, and my plan was messed up. One of the youth leaders helped me with the situation, and he asked me, "Why didn't you delegate things to others and get them to help you?" I was grateful for his help, but never answered that question. One of my friends in Chemistry also asked me several times why I didn't ask him for help, for example in taking care of my stuff while I went for lunch. But most recently, I remember one of my cell members telling another cell member about her friend, and she was complaining why her friend didn't ask for help when her friend needed help. I told her it was probably because that friend didn't feel like asking for help (I could empathise with her friend, since I've developed that mentality). Later that night, one of the cell leaders smsed everyone to ask who was going to see the other cell leader off at the airport the next morning. I could either not ask for a lift and just not go, or I could ask one of the cell members for a lift to the airport. The typical me would have chosen the earlier option, but the girl I was considering to ask help from was the same girl who was complaining about her friend, and I didn't want to be in the same position as her friend of needing help and not asking for it, so in the end I asked her and got a lift to see our cell leader off at the airport.

Yet, coming back to America after 1 year and catching up with close friends here has also reminded me of how much my exchange last year has impacted my life. I contacted 2 friends that I've been keeping in contact with from exchange, and wow it was so nice to see them again even though it's been a year!! :) They remind me of the spiritual and emotional support I've been receiving from overseas. I'm now in San Francisco though, and it feels that I spent so little time with them... :( I would really have loved to spend more time with them and revisit more of San Diego and catch up with more friends, cos who knows when I'll be back? I'm alr missing them...

But, I do look forward to going back and being with my cell members again! :)