"Hi, Guangrong!" "Hi... ...Guangrong."
It's been about a month, but wow that was a really wonderful moment that I probably need more of.
I've been joining my Chemistry friend's cell for some time. About a month ago, we had an outing to Sentosa to celebrate one of the cell member's birthday (and to have fun!). We're were all playing around, having fun and even tossing people into the water (only 2... next time hopefully can toss more people haha! Although I might end up being one of them...). I couldn't help thinking how much it reminded me of the Science Camp I went through almost 3 years ago. More importantly, though, for once in quite a long while, I found back someone important, someone whom I felt that I've been losing contact with. That time, I found back... myself. For the 1st time in quite a while, during that outing, I felt like I was myself again. Not the quiet, self-conscious part of me that seems to be surfacing more and more recently, but the cheerful, fun-loving, carefree, playful person that I've normally been.
In fact, the Chinese New Year that passed further showed this to me. Even though usually it was because my sister overshadowed me that I decide to let her mix around while I remain quiet, this time she wasn't around, but I was still in that same state. My godmother even commented that I'm now more quiet, whereas last time I used to be more talkative and chatty. I guess most people just see it as me "growing up"? So no one would actually suspect anything wrong.
But yes, I've been feeling that I'm losing who I really am. It's quite scary, cos if I lose who I really am, no one in all of eternity can ever find that person. The REAL Guangrong would literally just disappear from existence, never to be known or heard of. And the one replacing him, would be someone who never can be real nor true. That is REALLY scary...
I've seen my faults at work before, and often they work even when I don't realise it. I've wondered before, is it better to keep who I am and run the risk of making the same mistakes, or is it better to try to be someone new that won't make the same mistakes at all? Yet, as much as I've done, the real me can never be fully suppressed. When I see friends hurting, even though they may be friends I don't know very well, they WILL still attract my attention and care. It may be strange for them to suddenly see the caring side of me if they don't know me well, and it could shock them or scare them, but that is still me!! The REAL me!! For all my faults and weaknesses, am I willing to give up who I really am and who I could really be?
One thing that still stays strong in my memory was my talk with a friend after Science Camp ended. He pointed out some of my flaws in my behaviour, and in some ways he was right: some of the others from my orientation group did gossip about me. Yet, during the camp, I was myself, and it was when I was truly myself, with both my strengths and flaws in terms of how I related to people, that some of these friends were drawn to me, and these friends have now become my closest friends in all of NUS. If I wasn't myself then, would I still have found such close friends??
A few nights ago, I almost cried myself to sleep, thinking about how I was losing who I really was. But, from the things my friends have told me, despite all the flaws, weaknesses and problems, I still want to be who I really am. Maybe I've overly suppressed it alr, and even a sponge that's overly squashed can't return to it's proper shape.
During a recent cell session, I shared that I realised that our hearts are usually more true and reliable than our emotions. My friend innocently replied that according to the Bible, "the heart is deceitful above all else", to which I didn't know what to reply without sharing something too personal to tell the rest of the group. But the reason I made that statement is because I've come to realise that it's my emotions that are making me self-conscious, not my heart. It's my emotions that are criticising my flaws, especially when mistakes surface. However, my heart has been telling me to be who I really am and not to suppress it. To learn from where I went wrong (although of course there's always the possibility of making mistakes again...), but yet to be the joyful, cheerful, caring, fun-loving, playful person that I really am. To be who I really should be. To be the REAL Guangrong.
Hope to catch up again, Guangrong.
I've been joining my Chemistry friend's cell for some time. About a month ago, we had an outing to Sentosa to celebrate one of the cell member's birthday (and to have fun!). We're were all playing around, having fun and even tossing people into the water (only 2... next time hopefully can toss more people haha! Although I might end up being one of them...). I couldn't help thinking how much it reminded me of the Science Camp I went through almost 3 years ago. More importantly, though, for once in quite a long while, I found back someone important, someone whom I felt that I've been losing contact with. That time, I found back... myself. For the 1st time in quite a while, during that outing, I felt like I was myself again. Not the quiet, self-conscious part of me that seems to be surfacing more and more recently, but the cheerful, fun-loving, carefree, playful person that I've normally been.
In fact, the Chinese New Year that passed further showed this to me. Even though usually it was because my sister overshadowed me that I decide to let her mix around while I remain quiet, this time she wasn't around, but I was still in that same state. My godmother even commented that I'm now more quiet, whereas last time I used to be more talkative and chatty. I guess most people just see it as me "growing up"? So no one would actually suspect anything wrong.
But yes, I've been feeling that I'm losing who I really am. It's quite scary, cos if I lose who I really am, no one in all of eternity can ever find that person. The REAL Guangrong would literally just disappear from existence, never to be known or heard of. And the one replacing him, would be someone who never can be real nor true. That is REALLY scary...
I've seen my faults at work before, and often they work even when I don't realise it. I've wondered before, is it better to keep who I am and run the risk of making the same mistakes, or is it better to try to be someone new that won't make the same mistakes at all? Yet, as much as I've done, the real me can never be fully suppressed. When I see friends hurting, even though they may be friends I don't know very well, they WILL still attract my attention and care. It may be strange for them to suddenly see the caring side of me if they don't know me well, and it could shock them or scare them, but that is still me!! The REAL me!! For all my faults and weaknesses, am I willing to give up who I really am and who I could really be?
One thing that still stays strong in my memory was my talk with a friend after Science Camp ended. He pointed out some of my flaws in my behaviour, and in some ways he was right: some of the others from my orientation group did gossip about me. Yet, during the camp, I was myself, and it was when I was truly myself, with both my strengths and flaws in terms of how I related to people, that some of these friends were drawn to me, and these friends have now become my closest friends in all of NUS. If I wasn't myself then, would I still have found such close friends??
A few nights ago, I almost cried myself to sleep, thinking about how I was losing who I really was. But, from the things my friends have told me, despite all the flaws, weaknesses and problems, I still want to be who I really am. Maybe I've overly suppressed it alr, and even a sponge that's overly squashed can't return to it's proper shape.
During a recent cell session, I shared that I realised that our hearts are usually more true and reliable than our emotions. My friend innocently replied that according to the Bible, "the heart is deceitful above all else", to which I didn't know what to reply without sharing something too personal to tell the rest of the group. But the reason I made that statement is because I've come to realise that it's my emotions that are making me self-conscious, not my heart. It's my emotions that are criticising my flaws, especially when mistakes surface. However, my heart has been telling me to be who I really am and not to suppress it. To learn from where I went wrong (although of course there's always the possibility of making mistakes again...), but yet to be the joyful, cheerful, caring, fun-loving, playful person that I really am. To be who I really should be. To be the REAL Guangrong.
Hope to catch up again, Guangrong.
posted by Guangrong at
11:54 pm
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