And another one goes...

This month sure is an eventful month for me. Church Camp, ongoing preparations for Youth Sunday, and also so many people leaving! In just this month, 4 of my church friends have enlisted into NS, and another friend just left for US for further study!!

Just this morning, I saw one of my church friends off as she left to study in an overseas uni. As I see these friends enter their new phases of life not knowing what lies ahead, I'm hoping for the best for them. While I can keep in contact with them, I know that the best way to support them is in prayer. As each one embarks on a new journey, with no one familiar to them to be there for them, I hope they will remember that their friends and families are thinking of them. Esp for the friends who have entered NS, I know that this will be a difficult time for them. It will be a time of trials and temptations, of testing of their faith, of learning to stand up for their faith in an environment where God is rejected. I've heard countless examples of Christians rejecting their faith in NS, and for me, it was also a very difficult time that nearly made me leave church. How will these friends fare? Only God knows.

As much as I think about how my friends will be in their new phases of life, I'm wondering how things are going to be without them. Some of them have been a great help, now without them around, I feel the load of the responsibility that some of them have left me. Each and every person is made unique by God and no one is irreplaceable. The things these friends have done, now it's up to me to do, but I can never match up to them. I'm not saying that I'm not up to the task, I'm just saying that things will be very different without them around. And some of these friends themselves will now need more support than in the past. I know things are gonna get a whole lot tougher this month. I've only realised the scale of what I have to do, but the actual experience, the actual fulfilling of what is to be done, that has only just begun. I know very well that the road ahead, doing what I need to do, is going to be really, really tough. I think I'm really going to be stretched thin.

God has put me here in this church for a special reason: to take up this job that no one gave much thought to doing. It's a job that pays well, but it's not an easy job, and I've had to put in tremendous amounts of effort. The unique combination of personal experience and spiritual gifts that He has put in my life has led me to where I am now, and as I reach this stage, with things ahead looking to be much more difficult than they already are, I know I have to maximise the potential of my spiritual gifts by depending even more on Him. These gifts, though powerful, backfire very easily when I depend on my own strength. Lord, the future is in Your hands. These gifts You've given me, only You can bring out their true potential. Lord, if no one else is going to help me, then I ask that You empower me in a way like never before. I know that I'm going to need a lot of help...

A special magical moment Forever remembered

Here I am now, happily baptised and doing God's work of reaching out to other people. My walk with God now, and my current situation, much of this was all due to what happened last year. Exactly one year ago, on this very night, I encountered a special moment that would change my life and my spiritual walk forever.

Just before Church Camp 2005, having gone through some deeply reflective and touching moments in the past several days, I asked God to use this Church Camp (which was actually my first one) to change my life forever. I went for the Church Camp, not even knowing what to expect, but just hoping that God would answer my sincere wish.

The focus of the camp was on prayer, so on Wed night, 15 June 2005 (exactly one year ago), we gathered in the ballroom where we had most of our activities and we had a Night of Prayer, where we came to be still and silent before God and listen to Him. As I knelt on the floor, the lyrics of the chorus of the song "Forever" came to mind, and immediately I remembered the experience I had during the 100% Praise and Worship. Deep down, I wished that God would tell me that He loved me. However, throughout the time of silence, I felt nothing. When the time of silence ended, a few of our church people came up to share what God had told them. Those who came up all spoke about evangelising to the community around us, and I began to feel that my wish would not be granted. Then our speaker came up, and the words he spoke to us that night were words that I would forever remember: "You are precious to Me. I love you."

I was deeply moved by his words and nearly broke down there and then, but I fought back the tears until we dispersed from the ballroom. I looked for someone to talk to but found no one (probably was a good thing actually), so I went by myself to sit on a rock beside a nearby lagoon. There, as everything came back to mind, I broke down, deeply grateful and deeply touched by the answered wishes. I thought back to all the recent events that I had gone through: May Prayer Meeting, 100% Praise and Worship, Bible Trail night sessions, and the Night of Prayer. God had touched my heart in a special way through each and every one of these events, ending it off with that night by speaking to me in a special way. Why would the speaker speak to us about God loving us when everyone before him ALL spoke about evangelism? I knew God had worked in him to touch my life that very night.

Nowadays, I still feel very moved when I think back to that night. That night was God's special way of giving me comfort after all the pain, loneliness and suffering I had gone through before then. That night will also serve as a reminder of humility, that this faith I now have, it is by God's grace that I have it, it is by His grace that He touched my life in such a special way, and I did nothing but just followed Him as He took me through this process of refining and renewing my faith. Many others also had to face similar problems, but God chose me, to touch my life in this special way and keep me in church. Why me? I would never know. All I know is that God deserves more than I could ever give. All I can say is this: If God doesn't exist, I wouldn't be in church right now.

I'll worship You my God
I'll worship You my God
I love You, I love You
Forever I will sing
Forever I will be with You, be with You

Church Camp 06 - Living For What Really Matters

Just came back from Church Camp yesterday. The night before Church Camp was Global Day of Prayer, so it feels somewhat like a 6 day camp together. Anyway, this period has been a time of much reflection and meditation for me. Even though the camp schedule was rather packed, I still managed to find pockets of time to reflect on my own life.

I went for the Church Camp wanting spiritual renewal. Also, my life-changing experience during last year's Church Camp made me feel more encouraged to go for it.

During the Church Camp, my discussion group had a time of deep sharing, as it was quite shocking to know that one of my group members was going through a time that was very much similar to what I was going through last year. This friend felt the lack of accountability in the church and couldn't find close friends to share problems with, and was on the verge of leaving church. And all along I thought this friend was mixing around quite well!! Ok, I guess others would probably have thought the same about me before my baptism testimony. But this friend's sharing made me realise the importance of the task that God has given me of reaching out to others around me. It was also very striking because this friend's sharing echoed one of my thoughts last time. It was a passing thought, but this thought was apparently true, even though I never realised it.

It was quite interesting to hear this friend's sharing also because I had been facing the same thing last year, around this very same period. As I went through the camp, much of my thoughts were on what I was facing last year. The camp itself, which was from 5-9 June, overlapped with the period of the Bible Trail night sessions last year, which were from 6-8 June.

The camp also made me think about God's love and my self-esteem. Though the biggest struggle with this happened last year, with me wanting to leave church and even feeling suicidal, what I went through this camp was also a strong reminder of it. During the camp, as we learned about living our lives fully for God, we also learned about the world we lived in, and how the world judges us. It struck me that the years that I had faced of people around me rejecting me had left a deeper scar and impact on my life than I had realised. While the biggest struggle with my self-worth was over, I still tend to be quite judgemental on myself. The camp reminded me of how much we should live our lives for God and depend on His opinion of us instead of the world's opinion of us.

One song that came across very strongly during this camp (and actually it fits the camp quite well too) is Lord I Offer My Life. This was the song that we were singing and also meditating on during our reflection 2 times in the camp. The value of this song and how it had touched me on many times in the past came to me. The song talks about offering my whole life to God, covering many areas and things in life such as what I am ("all that I am"), what I have ("all that I have"), "everything I've been through", "all my regrets", "all my acclaims", my joys and sorrows ("the joy and the pain"), my past ("things in the past"), my future ("things yet unseen"), "wishes and dreams that are yet to come true", "all of my hopes", "all of my plans". This song was espeically meaningful as this was the first Christian song that had a very special meaning to me when I first sung it. On the last night of the camp, as I was reflecting over this song and how it was the first Christian song that struck me so strongly, my whole life flashed across in my mind. The rejection and pain of the past, my coming to church, my life in church, my struggles in church and how I almost left, God keeping me in church, my service to God by reaching out to others; all these flashed through my mind. I was touched by the song, and thinking about the times in the past when this song had touched my life, I broke down and cried.

"Huh? I want to change group! Don't want to be in his (referring to me) group!"
"If God could give me close friends, I would become a Christian." :'(
"I didn't get into Council, I didn't get into House Reps. Life just feels so hopeless." :'(
"Remember that we're always here for you."
"Can you bring me to your church?"
"I'm feeling so stressed! If only there was someone I could talk to!"
"Everyone else has close friends in church except me! I feel so alone! Why do I have to go through this?? Why do I have to face this pain?? WHY???" :'(
"I've endured this long enough. I'll let this be my last week in church."
"Am I just going to go like this without helping myself?"
"I came back to church because I realised that I needed God in my life. I really encourage you to stay on."
"I love You! I love You! Forever I will sing, forever I will be with you."
"God, I just wish You would tell me that You love me."
"You are precious to Me. I love you."
"Our church's Youth Ministry has a track record of many youths leaving our church. Let's pray for these youths that you see before you, that God will keep each and every one of them coming regularly to our church."
"Some are now worshipping in other churches, some are no longer walking with the Lord. Look around you. 30 years down the road, would all of you still be here?"

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for Your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life