Beyond recognition

I'm still travelling around with my mum and my sis, and actually this blog entry is kind of additional reflections for the trip.

On this trip, I feel like I been suppressed so much until I'm changing into someone I don't even recognise. The real me is so bubbly, cheerful, warm, friendly and caring, but I discovered that when I'm placed into an uncomfortable environment, I will become quiet. However, on this trip I've discovered something beyond that. When the discomfort becomes quite overbearing, I end up forming a self-defence, becoming very critical and judgemental. I remember times when I teased my friends before, but at least those were done in fun, but wow what I've seen on this trip is something I myself don't even recognise... and it's VERY scary... I'm like an irritated cat, aggressive and unpleasant, come near and I'll lash out. If I remain like that permanently, then the real me is as good as gone... I think the main thing that can help me is the comfort of friends...

The emotional toll I'm taking from this trip is also starting to affect me physically. I'm nowadays SUPER tired, even when the day has just started. I'm also super lethargic, and I can feel that I'm losing my appetite. I've been eating much less on this trip, and sometimes it's only hunger that makes me eat...

The worst part of it so far, though, came today, when I ignored God's prompting out of fear and discomfort. It'll be a painful and regretful memory that I'll take away for the trip. My mum, sis and I flew over to New Jersey today, touching down in JFK airport. We came out of the airport and this guy approached us, offering to provide a taxi service for us. The actual price for taxis from the airport to our hotel is $85 plus toll and tip, which adds to about $100+. However, after some bargaining, he agreed to my mum's offered price of $80, all in. So we got into his car and left the airport. Shortly after entering his car (before I knew anything else), I felt prompted to give him $5 more. I didn't have any of the money with me (it was all with my mum and sis) and I knew that my mum and sis wouldn't like me to voice it out, so I kept quiet.

Well, I was to learn the reason for that prompting eventually (God is never to be outdone, even by passiveness, and He will make sure we learn our lessons even if we have to learn it the hard way...). The driver stopped at a junction and asked us if we could pay an additional $5.50 more because of the toll charges. 1 toll was $5.50, while the other was $8, but he said he could cover for the 2nd one. My mum and sis, however, said that he agreed to the amount set, and didn't want to give him additional money. The driver tried persuading my mum to pay the $5.50 toll cos he knew he was getting ripped off (including telling us that he had not enough money for the toll), but my mum insisted on sticking to the agreement. In the midst of the conflict, while the car was stopped, I noticed his car key tag, and realised he was a Christian too.

The conflict eventually ended by my mum agreeing to pay $3 more. The driver was obviously not happy with that, but he just went with it. However, his attitude towards us was not what it was before. At the 1st toll, he took $5.50 from us to pay the toll, so we calculated that we would have to pay him $77.50. When we got to the airport and paid him the remainder for the ride, (I'm not sure if he was still trying to make us pay $80 as the remainder) he was quite mad and threw the change on the ground, before getting into his car and driving off.

Ok hopefully this account seems fairly neutral and unbiased. I definitely feel that both the driver and my family members had their fair share of mistakes. As for me, I was just sitting quietly in the passenger seat the whole time. That makes me innocent right?

Well, God definitely doesn't think so, and quite frankly neither do I. The entire conflict could have been avoided if I had obeyed Him and had the courage to overcome my fear and suppression. The fact that I had ignored God's prompting cos of my family has left me wondering how I'm going to grow spiritually at home. I REALLY have no idea what to do... And right now, for the sake of my spiritual walk, I'm considering moving out when I'm back in Singapore. There are a lot of factors to consider, such as expenditure and incurred costs. I'm definitely not going to rent a place on my own, maybe share with a few others or stay with another friend... some options to consider. Need to take some time to consider everything though...

Trip reflections

I've been in America for almost 10 days haha! Still, thinking back to what I've been facing recently, this trip has also shown me several things.

I've come to realise that it's very hard to be myself when I'm with my family members. So, it turns out that what has suppressed me isn't only my past, but my family too. I realised it quite strikingly on this trip. On several occasions, especially when we're rushing or packing, it's really like a pressure cooker for me... And it really feels that so many things I do is wrong. I remember one occasion when we just reached one of the airports and had to return the rental car we were using. At that point, I needed to go to the toilet (been going to the toilet a lot cos of the cold weather). I knew it was bad timing, so I was desperately trying to hide it, but my sis still realised it and asked me. As I expected, she had a rather irritated look when I said I need to go and rushed off. Sigh it's not like I chose the timing. There were other occasions too when I needed to go to the toilet at a rather bad time, and I pretty much got the same irritated response each time.

Another occasion today was when I asked my mum's friend for some quarters (I've been collecting the American quarters since my SD exchange cos they have different states on the back!). My mum was quite annoyed with me and said I shouldn't do that. I know that isn't quite a "proper" thing to do, but he's my mum's friend and not some random stranger, plus it's just something simple and it's not like it's morally wrong or anything like that!!

There are a few things that I experienced at home that has made me suppress myself. One of these things is impatience, which largely comes from my sis. She often gets annoyed when I take some time to do things, which includes things that she asks me to do. Also, I've experienced quite a lot of irritation at home, which I realised has never helped my self-esteem at home. As a result of these, I hid my true bubbly cheerful self, and I also tried to avoid helping out or doing anything at home.

Thinking back, I've realised how much my family has affected how I think. My sis always tells my mum to make me do things myself, even if it's rather inconvenient for me, and getting help at home can be so difficult. These experiences, coupled with hearing friends complaining of being "arrowed" to do things (sometimes at the last minute), have made me learn to rely on myself and not on others, often even going through inconveniences, organisational problems or missing out on things. I remember when I was planning for a youth activity back in Bible Church, I handled everything by myself. However, by the time all the youths arrived, I was behind schedule, and my plan was messed up. One of the youth leaders helped me with the situation, and he asked me, "Why didn't you delegate things to others and get them to help you?" I was grateful for his help, but never answered that question. One of my friends in Chemistry also asked me several times why I didn't ask him for help, for example in taking care of my stuff while I went for lunch. But most recently, I remember one of my cell members telling another cell member about her friend, and she was complaining why her friend didn't ask for help when her friend needed help. I told her it was probably because that friend didn't feel like asking for help (I could empathise with her friend, since I've developed that mentality). Later that night, one of the cell leaders smsed everyone to ask who was going to see the other cell leader off at the airport the next morning. I could either not ask for a lift and just not go, or I could ask one of the cell members for a lift to the airport. The typical me would have chosen the earlier option, but the girl I was considering to ask help from was the same girl who was complaining about her friend, and I didn't want to be in the same position as her friend of needing help and not asking for it, so in the end I asked her and got a lift to see our cell leader off at the airport.

Yet, coming back to America after 1 year and catching up with close friends here has also reminded me of how much my exchange last year has impacted my life. I contacted 2 friends that I've been keeping in contact with from exchange, and wow it was so nice to see them again even though it's been a year!! :) They remind me of the spiritual and emotional support I've been receiving from overseas. I'm now in San Francisco though, and it feels that I spent so little time with them... :( I would really have loved to spend more time with them and revisit more of San Diego and catch up with more friends, cos who knows when I'll be back? I'm alr missing them...

But, I do look forward to going back and being with my cell members again! :)

Past, Passion and Courage

I'm still in the process of changing church... I've actually decided to stay in Trinity, but as of now, there are people in Bible Church whom I've yet to meet up before I fully transit over. I'm leaving for US quite soon though, have to meet up when I'm back in Singapore...

Anyway, I was considering emailing some of these thoughts and reflections to my cell in Trinity (which I do through emails), but some of these things are quite personal so I kind of decided to pen my thoughts on my blog instead. As much as I'm growing quite close to the cell, I still need time to fully open up to the rest...

The sermon on Saturday was on Luke 7 and the speaker spoke about passion. The sermon focused on the sinful woman, Jesus and Simon the Pharisee. The speaker spoke about how the woman had been rejected by society and felt condemned by the Jewish laws, and the 1 thing that gave her hope was Jesus. Against all the stares and glares, she worshipped Jesus with uninhibited passion, and eventually she was vindicated.

Jesus, on the other hand, showed a passion that was pure and uncontaminated by the worldly things. If Simon had been in Jesus' place, he would definitely have rejected the woman. However, Jesus understood her heart and her desire to be forgiven from her past. He viewed the woman not with condemnation and rejection, but with love and acceptance.

There seem to be quite a number of things recently that point back to my past. I still remember those times when I was alone and really wanted friends, often I stuck to people a lot, and unfortunately then weren't as close to me as I was to them, so I often scared them away instead. Making friends seemed so difficult and loneliness seemed to be my best friend. Inevitably, over time, I became more and more self-conscious.

Yet, there is now much that reminds me that I'm not who I was in the past. Some friends see me as a social butterfly, and cannot believe that I once felt so alone that I was in depression. One of the key things I learned from my past was to care for people who are hurting, and this important lesson has also gained me friends who look to me when they are facing problems. However, the self-consciousness is still there, and I still feel that it often ties me down.

One thing I treasure very much about the cell in Trinity is how real everyone is, not afraid to be themselves. I still remember finding back myself during the Surf & Sweat outing much earlier this year. And of course, everyone teases each other. But when the important times come, the cell shows its care for its members. It's a cell that's closely knit and bonded, at the same time also able to integrate newcomers well.

I know, it takes lots of courage to overcome a past that has suppressed me so much. Yet, as I continue to grow in this cell, I want to find the courage to be truly myself, and I feel that relating with the cell is helping with that. I used to have a passion for God that was so much stronger, but so much of me has been consumed by fear. As I grow, someday I will grow free of this chain that has tied me down so much. I've seen so much of what I can do, and I know, someday I can do much much more.

There are some verses from songs that express this very well. The 1st verse is from a song I heard recently, a song that I last heard a LONG time ago (when I was still in JC and visited my friend's church). It's entitled "No Eye Has Seen" and it's by Roger Hodges. The 2nd verse is from "Made to Worship", and it's a verse that stuck in my head from the first time I heard the song.

From No Eye Has Seen:
Jesus take me in Your hand
And make me all that You want me to be
Jesus help me understand
My purpose and what You can do through me
Fulfilling my destiny

From Made to Worship:
When you and I embrace surrender
When you and I choose to believe
Then you and I will see
Who we were meant to be


I think, the greatest reminder for me, is that Jesus doesn't see who we were or who we are, but who we are meant to be.

Perception change

How do we see ourselves? And how do others see us? Some people, like me, can be so self-conscious and think so negatively of how others will see us. Just this week, I received some encouragements that have made me re-evaluate how I see myself.

One of my perceptions of myself is that whichever girl I like probably wouldn't return the feeling, since I'm not very attractive. Some time ago, however, a friend who doesn't know me very well posted on my Facebook quite unexpectedly. He was asked by Social Interview (a Facebook application) "What kind of girl does Lee Guang Rong like?" He replied (can't remember the exact words but this is the essence of it), "I've no idea, have to ask Guangrong haha. But whichever girl he likes, that girl is the luckiest girl in the whole world." Wow... I didn't know how to reply to that post... was too stunned by his reply to know what to say.

That happened a few months back. Earlier this week, I was talking to my friend about some of her problems. After sharing to me and talking for a while, my friend said, "Guangrong, I think your girlfriend in future will be a very lucky girl, cos you have a very nice character." When she said that, I was immediately reminded of the previous event, even though it was a few months ago. I was quite stunned, didn't know what to say and just told my friend, "Haha I think I'll be the lucky one if she chooses me." My friend replied, "No la, she'll be really lucky to get you as her boyfriend." I forgot what I said after that.

And just yesterday, one of my friends who was having some personal problems called me to look for me. I was in school then, so I went to find my friend and talk to her for a while. I was reminded that the friends who have experienced my love, care and concern treasure me deeply as their friend.

The call with my friend earlier this week was actually already enough to keep me thinking about my self-perception, and the event yesterday added to it. Yes, I've known so many people, but not everyone will appreciate us in the same way. Is it my loss if others don't want to be my friend? I thought so for very long, but through relating with my friends, I've realised that it isn't my loss but the loss of the other person. The friends whom I've accompanied through good and bad times, they treasure me a lot and come to me for their personal issues. It's nice to know that among close friends, you see a side of the person that few others ever see, which is the open, hurting and vulnerable side that they would show to few others. Also, we tend to think people see our negative traits more than our positive traits, which I admit is true for me. But this sem (I realised that even includes my lab this sem) has shown me otherwise. I guess it's probably cos when we're in the lab, I'm thinking more about how my experiment will turn out than what others are thinking of me, so the real side of me has more opportunity to appear.

I've also had to change the perception that "whichever girl I like, she probably wouldn't like me anyway". Since my friend's comments earlier this week, I've been telling myself that if indeed my friend is right, I better choose the girl carefully (and stop worrying about what she thinks of me).

It's been quite a major change in perception, and I'm still adjusting to it... Probably would take some time to get used to.