Plans vs Control

Wow the first time that I'm doing 2 blog entries at 1 shot! But this one is more relevant to what happened today.

I mentioned in the previous entry that I didn't get my Inorganic Chemistry lab course. Earlier today, I thought everything seemed to be going fairly well and I was feeling quite hopeful that everything would end up going according to plan! My plan was to take both my Organic Chemistry and Inorganic Chemistry lab courses this quarter (accidentally took both lectures last quarter), and I misinterpreted the Inorganic Chemistry course professor's email, so I thought my chances of getting this course would be quite good. It so did NOT turn out the way I expected!!

It was indeed frustrating to have my plans completely messed up like that, but it made me realise once again how little (or none in some cases) control I have over so many things. Getting into the Inorganic Chemistry lab course was part of my plan, but it was not within my control, it was within God's control, and that just reminded me of how little I had been praying. It was especially striking remembering that I wanted to grow spiritually during my time here, and more urgently, the upcoming Catalina retreat this weekend with ICF, during which I'll be sharing my testimony.

My spiritual walk has pretty much been in shambles. The week of finals, I was so busy with studying, and the week of Spring break after that, I was feeling so miserable that I didn't even feel like praying! Oh man what has happened to me??? I hope this week will be a week of spiritual recovery, probably can only recover so much of my spiritual walk, but with God's grace, He can still use me for this coming retreat.

Wow even like this and my spiritual walk has dropped so much... Now I know why I was in such a bad spiritual state in Singapore...

Perspective

I started the first day of the Spring quarter today! After a week of Spring break (which was a break in more ways that one...), I started this day hoping for the best for my course planning. Things have not been looking good: I can't get my Inorganic Chemistry lab course, which means I'm going to have to take my CM2111 Inorganic Chemistry modules when I return to NUS, unless a space opens up... Oh well.

However, this entry is not so much about the first day of school, but more about Spring break. Before Spring break, I was hoping to spend the break time travelling or meeting up with friends, but things pretty much turned out the VERY way I DIDN'T want them to: I was alone in San Diego, with all my friends either flown off or busy. I started off the break feeling rather bored, but it quickly turned into misery as I didn't know what to do. I spent most of the first few days staying in my apartment just playing computer games. In truth, I was already bored of computer games within a few days, but was just so dejected and miserable that I didn't have the mood to do anything else.

On Wednesday, I decided to go for a walk along the beach. My goal was to walk from Black's Beach all the way to Pacific Beach. It was a nice walk and I took photos along the way, but after I came back, I was still feeling quite bad and felt like the walk didn't help very much.

On Friday, after going out with an ICF friend who didn't have school that day, I uploaded all the photos in my camera to Facebook. By the next day, I had already received some comments on my photos. There were quite a few comments on the photos in the "Beach Walk" album, but what struck me was when one of my friends left a comment on the album itself, saying how much the album made her miss La Jolla.

Suddenly, my thoughts about the album completely changed, and I found a new value in the beach-walking experience. I realised that it was how I was feeling then that determined how I felt about the whole experience. Since I was feeling down, I was hoping that the beach walk would cheer me up. However, if I had gone for it ignoring how I was feeling, it would make the experience VERY different! It was simply a matter of my perspective of the experience that determined what I took from it!

Looking back now, it indeed was a wondrous experience! I remember trying to take photos of the cute little squirrels along the path and how they kept running into the undergrowth. Eventually, I was so happy when I took a few pictures of them! Also, I was so glad when one of the squirrels came to me when I reached out my hand towards it (although it turned and scurried off when it found out that I had no food...).

Another part of the experience I remember was crossing the stretch between Black's Beach and La Jolla Shores, not knowing how far I was (or if I would end up having to turn back). The rocky area was quite smelly at times, and especially the last part of having to avoid the waves soaking my shoes! The views from the cliffs above the shores was also quite interesting, although eventually it was too bad for me that my hunger and the time prevented me from walking onwards to Pacific Beach. Maybe another day?

Missing my Singapore friends

I guess most of the time I don't really think much about the people I know in Singapore (although I do chat with them online). Maybe it's a good sign that I'm not too bothered being away from home? Especially since I'm quite happy over here (minus studies). But just this Saturday, I had another reminder of people back in Singapore.

I dreamt on Friday night that I went back to Singapore and met my friends. Wow it felt so real!! I woke up on Saturday morning feeling quite miserable and really missing my friends. That dream sure was a BIG reminder! But I know eventually I'll see them again, and after a while I was feeling better.

I guess no matter what, I still do miss the people back in Singapore. It's just how much I miss them, and how I let it affect me. As I told my friend before, cherish the time, the friends and the experiences while on exchange, because when we go back to our homes, these will just be memories that stay in our hearts. We can still keep in contact with these friends, but the times travelling together are experiences that will probably stay as memories.

To everyone back home who's reading this, see you when I get back! :)