Conceding defeat

I'm not the kind who likes to put down 2 blog entries at a go, but right now I REALLY need somewhere to put down these thoughts. This year began with a whole new set of spiritual perspectives, but now, the things of the world have risen to the challenge, and for the 1st time, I concede defeat.

I remember a friend told me before that psychology holds the key to all relationships. If you spend enough time with a person, you can read the person's character. Once you achieve that, you'll just have to know how to talk (kind of like sweet-talking) to the person, and you can easily make the person like you. I told him that I'm not like that, I'm used to relating to people based on how my heart tells me to. There have been things that supported either side, but as of now, I'm ready to concede defeat that psychology has won and sincerity has lost.

I admit I can't deny what my friend has said before. I've seen him using it, and it really works! I usually don't understand what's going on until he explains everything to me later. He would explain to me what he knows about the person's character, then tell me how to talk to the person. He's so experienced and familiar with it that he's usually right. Of course, psychology can't really tell you much about God, but I grant that it seems more powerful in understanding people than even the Bible. It's like studying how people think and behave, once you master it, you can influence what people think and how they behave towards you. Which most people will use to their favour, I'm sure.

Feels like this blog entry is rather short, maybe cos my thoughts are still quite raw. Where do I go from here? This definitely won't stop me from reading the Bible, but maybe learning psychology to supplement what I can learn from the Bible about people? The Bible isn't meant to be a book about people; it's a book about God, so what it says about people is much more general and vague. Will this concession be a permanent one? I wish I knew... I guess only time will tell.

Reflections from Life Conference part 3: Hope and prayer

The 3rd set of reflections that I had from Life Conference came from the workshop on the 2nd day plus some of the sermons after that.

The workshop topic was "Secret to the Christian Life", and it was actually about prayer. Sounds pretty simple huh? But in truth, many of us underestimate the importance and power that lies in prayer. Prayer is about communicating with God and seeking to do His will. It's also a way that we approach God with humility and acknowledge His ways are above ours. We sometimes tend to neglect prayer, but if Jesus Himself relied so heavily on prayer, then what about us? I've heard many prophetic words about our generation being a crucial and influential one. If our generation becomes a prayerless generation, it would be a very bad sign for the church...

Prayer and hope may seem unrelated, but I've come to realise that they do affect each other. Hope is one thing that can keep us going even in difficult times, and it is a very strong source of strength. However, once it is lost, the effects can be quite devastating. We often pray for things that we hope for, whether it's for ourselves or for our friends. Yet, once we feel that these hopes can never become reality, we give up, lose hope and often stop praying for these things. We often feel that we are incapable of so much, plus sometimes we mess things up. After that, the likelihood of things turning out well seems rather slim and things become hopeless for us. We then give up, lose hope and stop praying about it.

One of the things that I'm reminded of is that it was never up to us, but up to God, to fulfil these hopes. We tend to underestimate God's power, and feel that even God's power is no match for our messing up. Or sometimes, the possible of some things happening seems so unlikely that even God can't make it happen. But God is a miracle worker, and sometimes all we have to do is pray consistently. God works things in His time, which sometimes could mean years to us. Yet, we have to keep praying, and know that God is a powerful God who can use both our successes and our failures in His way.

During these sermons, I was led to think about things that I had given up praying for, and rekindled the desire to pray for these things again. What are the things that we have given up on? Maybe it's time to start praying for those things again.

Reflections from Life Conference part 2: The Beatitudes - Sincerity, Patience, Purity, Godliness

Wow these entries are quite long overdue, but I guess it's best to put them down so other entries can come in.

I attended a Beatitudes workshop in the afternoon of the 1st day of Life Conference. The speaker for this workshop did a good job of illustrating the overall essence and principles behind the Beatitudes before tackling them 1 by 1 and showing how they apply to us as Christians living in the world, even showing how a lack of some of these characteristics affect us as Christians (the part on Sincerity, Patience, Purity, Godliness wasn't said by him though). In fact, at the end of the workshop, someone asked the speaker whether the Beatitudes or the Ten Commandments were more important, and the speaker replied that the Beatitudes were actually harder to live up to. I realised that it was easier to follow the Ten Commandments by just following it like a set of rules (which is what the Jews were doing), but the Beatitudes are indeed way more difficult because they deal with the heart and mindset behind the actions we do. For me personally, there were some Beatitudes which spoke more to me.

The 1st of these is to be poor in spirit. It's often only when we're stripped down to nothing, that we truly come before God and seek Him wholeheartedly. But as Christians, we should learn to come before God, desperate for Him and relying on Him and not what we have. It's so easy to reply on ourselves and what we have, coming before God with our Plan A but having a Plan B in case God doesn't work. That's not the attitude that God wants us to have with Him.

The 2nd one is that of being meek. The speaker said that the original Greek word actually connotated someone who is sincere and not pretentious in terms of relating to others, someone who has a pure and true heart in the way they treat others. They are genuine and don't harbour unkind intentions like malice towards others. The speaker also talked about hypocrisy, which I feel is one thing that has severely affected relationships between people inside and outside church, involving both Christians and non-Christians.

The 3rd one is that of being righteous. The speaker said that righteousness is about restored relationships, that we have a restored relationship with God and restored relationship with the people around us.

The next one is that of being merciful. The speaker defined showing mercy as the act of pardoning a wrong, and he talked about how unforgiveness is one of the greatest enemies of the church, saying that often even Christians bear grudges towards others and hate them instead of loving them.

The next Beatitude is that of being pure in heart, which the speaker defined as having integrity in all areas of one's life, before both God and Man.

The last Beatitude that spoke more to me was that of being persecuted for righteousness and for Christ. We choose either to be godly people and follow the ways of God, or we choose to be worldly people and follow the ways of the world. Following the ways of the world would gain us much more acceptance, and following the ways of the God would lead us being rejected as weird or strange. I remember some of my well-meaning friends telling me that the best way to do well in life is to learn from what the world does instead of being "too holy".


For me, these several Beatitudes together served to remind me of the importance of living a truly godly life and they also re-affirmed what I've thought of for the past several years. Here's where the Sincerity, Patience, Purity, Godliness thing comes in. These 4 characteristics are the criteria that I decided on for getting a girlfriend (not trying to advertise here...). I came up with these 4 characteristics through my years before being a Christian and as a Christian, and what I learned from the Beatitudes workshop also pointed that this set of criteria is indeed something to keep.

The 1st characteristic (the order has no meaning) is sincerity. For me, I've experienced many times when people appeared to accept me as their friend, only to find out later on that they didn't really like me. I've also seen much of people saying things behind other's backs, and it's quite scary to see how people can be so different in the presence and absence of others (I was just the spectator in those cases). When the person is around, they can be so nice and friendly to them, but when the person isn't around, they start saying bad things about that person. Seeing the hypocrisy of people has often caused me to really think about who I trust, and when I'm unsure of whether to trust others, I choose not to. There are friends I know, however, that when you get to know then, you KNOW that they can be trusted and that they won't betray you behind your back. I also remember friends talking about who's attached and who's not, but I think those are ok since they aren't insulting the person, and those conversations arise more out of curiosity rather than an intention to put others down. Yup, so the 1st characteristic - sincerity.

The 2nd characteristic is patience. I know often I can be slow in doing things, and not knowing how to do some of them makes it worse. At home, I've experienced quite a bit of impatience and irritability, which has significantly affected how I behave at home. This has given rise to the 2nd characteristic - patience. Don't worry, I know when friends are joking about me being slow, I've experienced it lots of times. But I do know the difference between people teasing me about it and people being irritated.

The 3rd characteristic is purity (which I perceived differently from what the speaker said). I've been a Christian for close to 7 years now, and I've seen a lot of Christians doing things that are worldly, and often these are not young Christians but people who have been Christians for years. Yes people do make mistakes, but some things have become part of people's regular behaviour, such as swearing vulgarities. Sometimes, you can tell if people are making the effort to be holy and pure for God, or if they are willing to sacrifice holiness and purity to fit in and not stand out as someone so different. These are often discouraging, and I even remember a time when I did wonder if it was really worth it becoming a Christian and what the true worth of a godly life really is. I'm glad for a godly friend God gave me at that time - this friend did wonders to change my perception and worth of being a true Christian, not through what she said, but simply through the way she lived her life.

"The true worth of a godly life lies in a deep relationship with God that disregards what others think. Being conscious of what others think will only hinder the relationship and make us relate to others with our own strength and temperament. When the relationship with God is deep enough, the character that we exhibit will be the character that God wants us to exhibit. We will still have our personal touch to it because of the unique way God has made us to be, but it'll be a life that honours Him. Of course, there will be people who will still talk bad about us, but not even Jesus was accepted by everyone around Him. A godly life isn't one that everyone accepts (after all you can't please everyone), but it is a life that God accepts (and some others would too)."

Through these experiences, I found the 3rd characteristic - purity. To be holy and pure for God, and not becoming worldly.

The 4th characteristic pretty much sums up whatever else that's important. Although I knew I wanted a Christian girlfriend, I didn't know what other characteristics I wanted, so I decided that godliness would form the last characteristic that ties it up. Godliness means that the person is someone who earnestly seeks God, desiring to be Christ-like and to honour God in whatever she does.

I think for all of us, it's important to consider how much being a Christian means to us? Is it something we just do in church, and beyond church I do what I want? After all, church is church, beyond that is my own business right? (Here's where accountability comes in, but I'm not going to go into it here.) Or do we desire to be set apart for God, living lives that will honour and glorify Him? How much being a Christian means to us will reflect how we behave and how we respond to both God and other people. The set of criteria that I have, I know it's a set of criteria that I also have to live up to.

Reflections from Life Conference part 1: Greatness, glory & destiny

I attended the Life Conference at Trinity Christian Centre 2 weeks ago. Wow that left me with a lot of thoughts, and now finally finding time to digest the thoughts. I have various thoughts on a few different things, so I've decided to group them into separate entries.

One of the things I thought about was greatness, glory and destiny. Some of us think highly of ourselves and tend to overestimate what we can do. The rest of us think lowly of ourselves and often do not believe in our abilities. For me, I belong to the 2nd group, which is why this topic and the change of perception that comes with it struck me.

There are many cases in the Bible in which people encounter God, often resulting in 2 responses. One response is to realise how unworthy they are to be before God. The other response is to realise how much potential they have because of what God can use them for. As Christians, we tend to live by our strengths, and God seems so powerless and unable to do anything in our lives. But as we continue to align with His will and grow in our relationship with Him, God can use us in ways beyond what we could even expect. We sometimes feel like our life is so worthless and pointless, but biblically, God has never used the strong. He always uses the weak, the rejected, the outcasts, those who have lost confidence in themselves, and he transforms them into people that amazes those who knew them before. Not surprisingly, some of these people "reject" God's offer, saying that God should choose someone better, but it's quite amusing sometimes when God scolds them. When Moses didn't want to accept God's calling, God eventually told him something along the lines of "Hello, who do you think created you?? Who do you think enabled you to talk?? Anyway, your brother is coming to look for you, so you've no choice but just GO! Bye bye!"

There are many times when I'm not doing well spiritually. Even in these times, I'm amazed how God can use me to reach out to others, and guide them spiritually. I often feel like I'm not in the best position to help them, but because I don't know who else can care enough for them, I usually don't have much choice. I suppose when God wants you to do something, there's probably no way out of it haha.

There are people I know, including myself before, who feel that there are others around who can do better than us, and that it would be better if those people took over our lives instead. Yet, God has intended each of us for a purpose, a destiny, that is meant only for us. We tend to compare ourselves to others, but in actual fact, each of us are unique and we have our own strengths and weaknesses. Worse still, when comparing with others, we often have a negative perspective, focusing mostly on our weaknesses. Furthermore, the comparisons are even less valid when we factor in experiences. Everyone has a unique set of experiences, and adding this to the unique set of characteristics that we have, produces a person like nobody else on this planet. Much of our behaviour and thought processes comes from this combination, and thus no 2 people can do the same thing in the exact same way. When we compare with others, we're usually just looking down on the things that make us what we are.

My name means glory, and it's quite interesting thinking about that. For a lot of time in my life, I felt like it was a waste to have such a name. However, as I continue to recover spiritually, I know that if I continue to seek God and care for others in my own way, my life will be one that will glorify Him.

Majestic miracles

I'm now in Vancouver! It's been a pretty interesting trip travelling to so many places haha. And I actually flew over to Vancouver from Toronto, where I saw the Niagara Falls. The time at Niagara was really amazing, and it reminded me of the time at Grand Canyon.

When I went to Grand Canyon, I was feeling rather tired from all the mad rushing on the trip. But I was thinking that Grand Canyon was one of the highlights of the trip, and thus I was hoping it should be memorable. Well, it was more memorable than I could have expected. We stayed over for 1 night and woke up VERY early the next morning to watch the sunrise. We reached the lookout point while the sky was still dark. The sky started brightening quite soon though, and soon the sun was about to appear from behind the landforms.

It was at this time, when the sky was quite lit up but the sun had not appeared yet, that I saw something I didn't expect to see. Above where the sun was rising, there were some rather faint "swirls" of clouds. To my amazement, the cloud swirls form the word (in caps) "GOD"!! I was SOOO amazed to see that! It was rather faint, and I'm not sure who else noticed it, but it stayed there for a short while. I tried taking a photo of it but it was too faint and didn't show up. After a while, the sun started appearing and its bright light made the swirls invisible. But wow, that was a moment to remember for the trip and for my life! :)

I knew that Niagara Falls was another highlight, and I was having high expectations, especially after what I saw at Grand Canyon. Would God do something amazing again? When I came to Niagara Falls, I took a Maid of the Mist ride that went right up to the Falls. That was a really cool experience! :D After that, I went for another attraction called Journey Behind the Falls, which gave us another close-up encounter with the Falls, but this time from the rock instead of the water. I went for it and was asking God for a rainbow. When I went out onto the observation deck, there indeed was a rainbow out there! Yay! However, I read the information posters on the observation deck, and one of the posters said that rainbows appear quite often. Okay... Feeling emboldened by the appearance of the rainbow, I asked God for a 2nd rainbow together with it. Well, I was in for another surprise. I then saw another rainbow, but this was unlike anything I ever saw before. The 2nd rainbow that I saw was a reversed rainbow, still having the arch shape, but violet was on the outside and red was on the inside of the arch!! WOW!! I never ever saw a rainbow like that in my life! When we left the rock tunnel and reached ground level, both rainbows were still there, and I took photos of both rainbows. Wow those 2 rainbows, one of which had its colours reversed, were a sight that I would remember for a LOOOONG time.

My sis asked me how the reversed rainbow was formed, and I gave her an answer which I later realised was wrong. And up to now, I still have NO idea how it can form... Those things I saw were really majestic miracles.

Beyond recognition

I'm still travelling around with my mum and my sis, and actually this blog entry is kind of additional reflections for the trip.

On this trip, I feel like I been suppressed so much until I'm changing into someone I don't even recognise. The real me is so bubbly, cheerful, warm, friendly and caring, but I discovered that when I'm placed into an uncomfortable environment, I will become quiet. However, on this trip I've discovered something beyond that. When the discomfort becomes quite overbearing, I end up forming a self-defence, becoming very critical and judgemental. I remember times when I teased my friends before, but at least those were done in fun, but wow what I've seen on this trip is something I myself don't even recognise... and it's VERY scary... I'm like an irritated cat, aggressive and unpleasant, come near and I'll lash out. If I remain like that permanently, then the real me is as good as gone... I think the main thing that can help me is the comfort of friends...

The emotional toll I'm taking from this trip is also starting to affect me physically. I'm nowadays SUPER tired, even when the day has just started. I'm also super lethargic, and I can feel that I'm losing my appetite. I've been eating much less on this trip, and sometimes it's only hunger that makes me eat...

The worst part of it so far, though, came today, when I ignored God's prompting out of fear and discomfort. It'll be a painful and regretful memory that I'll take away for the trip. My mum, sis and I flew over to New Jersey today, touching down in JFK airport. We came out of the airport and this guy approached us, offering to provide a taxi service for us. The actual price for taxis from the airport to our hotel is $85 plus toll and tip, which adds to about $100+. However, after some bargaining, he agreed to my mum's offered price of $80, all in. So we got into his car and left the airport. Shortly after entering his car (before I knew anything else), I felt prompted to give him $5 more. I didn't have any of the money with me (it was all with my mum and sis) and I knew that my mum and sis wouldn't like me to voice it out, so I kept quiet.

Well, I was to learn the reason for that prompting eventually (God is never to be outdone, even by passiveness, and He will make sure we learn our lessons even if we have to learn it the hard way...). The driver stopped at a junction and asked us if we could pay an additional $5.50 more because of the toll charges. 1 toll was $5.50, while the other was $8, but he said he could cover for the 2nd one. My mum and sis, however, said that he agreed to the amount set, and didn't want to give him additional money. The driver tried persuading my mum to pay the $5.50 toll cos he knew he was getting ripped off (including telling us that he had not enough money for the toll), but my mum insisted on sticking to the agreement. In the midst of the conflict, while the car was stopped, I noticed his car key tag, and realised he was a Christian too.

The conflict eventually ended by my mum agreeing to pay $3 more. The driver was obviously not happy with that, but he just went with it. However, his attitude towards us was not what it was before. At the 1st toll, he took $5.50 from us to pay the toll, so we calculated that we would have to pay him $77.50. When we got to the airport and paid him the remainder for the ride, (I'm not sure if he was still trying to make us pay $80 as the remainder) he was quite mad and threw the change on the ground, before getting into his car and driving off.

Ok hopefully this account seems fairly neutral and unbiased. I definitely feel that both the driver and my family members had their fair share of mistakes. As for me, I was just sitting quietly in the passenger seat the whole time. That makes me innocent right?

Well, God definitely doesn't think so, and quite frankly neither do I. The entire conflict could have been avoided if I had obeyed Him and had the courage to overcome my fear and suppression. The fact that I had ignored God's prompting cos of my family has left me wondering how I'm going to grow spiritually at home. I REALLY have no idea what to do... And right now, for the sake of my spiritual walk, I'm considering moving out when I'm back in Singapore. There are a lot of factors to consider, such as expenditure and incurred costs. I'm definitely not going to rent a place on my own, maybe share with a few others or stay with another friend... some options to consider. Need to take some time to consider everything though...

Trip reflections

I've been in America for almost 10 days haha! Still, thinking back to what I've been facing recently, this trip has also shown me several things.

I've come to realise that it's very hard to be myself when I'm with my family members. So, it turns out that what has suppressed me isn't only my past, but my family too. I realised it quite strikingly on this trip. On several occasions, especially when we're rushing or packing, it's really like a pressure cooker for me... And it really feels that so many things I do is wrong. I remember one occasion when we just reached one of the airports and had to return the rental car we were using. At that point, I needed to go to the toilet (been going to the toilet a lot cos of the cold weather). I knew it was bad timing, so I was desperately trying to hide it, but my sis still realised it and asked me. As I expected, she had a rather irritated look when I said I need to go and rushed off. Sigh it's not like I chose the timing. There were other occasions too when I needed to go to the toilet at a rather bad time, and I pretty much got the same irritated response each time.

Another occasion today was when I asked my mum's friend for some quarters (I've been collecting the American quarters since my SD exchange cos they have different states on the back!). My mum was quite annoyed with me and said I shouldn't do that. I know that isn't quite a "proper" thing to do, but he's my mum's friend and not some random stranger, plus it's just something simple and it's not like it's morally wrong or anything like that!!

There are a few things that I experienced at home that has made me suppress myself. One of these things is impatience, which largely comes from my sis. She often gets annoyed when I take some time to do things, which includes things that she asks me to do. Also, I've experienced quite a lot of irritation at home, which I realised has never helped my self-esteem at home. As a result of these, I hid my true bubbly cheerful self, and I also tried to avoid helping out or doing anything at home.

Thinking back, I've realised how much my family has affected how I think. My sis always tells my mum to make me do things myself, even if it's rather inconvenient for me, and getting help at home can be so difficult. These experiences, coupled with hearing friends complaining of being "arrowed" to do things (sometimes at the last minute), have made me learn to rely on myself and not on others, often even going through inconveniences, organisational problems or missing out on things. I remember when I was planning for a youth activity back in Bible Church, I handled everything by myself. However, by the time all the youths arrived, I was behind schedule, and my plan was messed up. One of the youth leaders helped me with the situation, and he asked me, "Why didn't you delegate things to others and get them to help you?" I was grateful for his help, but never answered that question. One of my friends in Chemistry also asked me several times why I didn't ask him for help, for example in taking care of my stuff while I went for lunch. But most recently, I remember one of my cell members telling another cell member about her friend, and she was complaining why her friend didn't ask for help when her friend needed help. I told her it was probably because that friend didn't feel like asking for help (I could empathise with her friend, since I've developed that mentality). Later that night, one of the cell leaders smsed everyone to ask who was going to see the other cell leader off at the airport the next morning. I could either not ask for a lift and just not go, or I could ask one of the cell members for a lift to the airport. The typical me would have chosen the earlier option, but the girl I was considering to ask help from was the same girl who was complaining about her friend, and I didn't want to be in the same position as her friend of needing help and not asking for it, so in the end I asked her and got a lift to see our cell leader off at the airport.

Yet, coming back to America after 1 year and catching up with close friends here has also reminded me of how much my exchange last year has impacted my life. I contacted 2 friends that I've been keeping in contact with from exchange, and wow it was so nice to see them again even though it's been a year!! :) They remind me of the spiritual and emotional support I've been receiving from overseas. I'm now in San Francisco though, and it feels that I spent so little time with them... :( I would really have loved to spend more time with them and revisit more of San Diego and catch up with more friends, cos who knows when I'll be back? I'm alr missing them...

But, I do look forward to going back and being with my cell members again! :)