Missing San Diego - Old memories, new memories

It's been 3 weeks since I left San Diego, and it's been 7 weeks since the last main ICF gathering. Yet, the memories of the times in San Diego are still fresh in mind. Even while I was in church today, I kept thinking about the times and memories of ICF.

As I realised how much these memories would forever remain a part of me, I also realised something else. The memories that I have of my past, with all its pain and suffering, will also remain as part of what I have been through. These past memories have scarred me emotionally for so long, but now I feel like the new memories can replace the old ones in terms of my sense of identity.

Somehow, this reminded me of a scene from Power Rangers RPM (the latest Power Rangers series). At the beginning of the series, the Black Ranger (before he became a ranger) had his memories stolen from him. When the Rangers encountered the enemy robot that possessed his memories, the Black Ranger stopped the other Rangers from destroying the robot, saying that "He has my memories. They are all I have." This allowed the robot to escape. Later on, the Rangers manage to catch up with the robot. As the Rangers prepare to destroy the robot, the robot tells the Black Ranger, "You won't do it. You said it yourself, 'These old memories are all you have.' " To this, the Black Ranger responds, "I have something else: new ones." The Rangers then destroy the robot and save the city.

My feelings about my memories in San Diego are like my new memories of who I am. While the Black Ranger wanted his old memories but decided to sacrifice them, my old memories aren't memories that I'm fond of. However, for a long time, these memories made me who I was, self-conscious and having a low self-esteem. After returning from San Diego, though, I have something else: new ones. The friends I've made there, especially the close friends that I've talked to, have given me so much support and encouragement and they've helped me to find who I really should be instead of who I have been all along. At the same time, the friends back home then also reminded me of how much they miss my presence, and it's not difficult to see the difference between my life now and my life in the past. Indeed, one of my ICF friends told me before that I should not let my past determine who I am now, and the time spent with this friend and many others in ICF have further emphasised this friend's point. I have new memories, and it's these new, current memories that I treasure so much that should hold more meaning to me than those I had before.

Shortly before I left the US, I called a few close friends to talk to them. Up to now, I can still remember the parting words from one of them: "Remember that somewhere around the world, someone will be praying for you." She was obviously referring to herself, but these are meaningful words that will remain with me for a long long time.



International Christian Fellowship 08-09. Goodbye ICF...

Deep spiritual friendships

I agree very much with this commentary. The love, acceptance and support of other Christians is a vital part of a Christian's growth. From personal experience, the power of a spiritual community is one that can help us face even the darkest times of our past and overcome those deepest scars that never seem to fade.


GRACE@WORK MAIL 27/09
July 3rd, 2009 Edition.
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Commentary: A Big Deal
By Soo-Inn Tan


"Spiritual friendship is friendship that is rooted in Christ, for the purpose of growing in Christ."

"What is the vision of Graceworks?"
Often folks would ask Bernice or myself about the nature of our work and we usually reply by stating our mission: "to promote spiritual friendship in church and society." The response to this is usually a quizzical look and more questions. Which is really sad because, while the world at large is awakening to the importance of friendship, many in the church still do not get it. Note the following:

1. In their book, Loneliness, John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick report:

[In 1985, when researchers asked a cross-section of the American people, "How many confidants do you have?" the most common response to the question was three. In 2004, when researchers asked again, the most common response --- made by twenty-five percent of the respondents --- was none. One quarter of these twenty-first-century Americans said they had no one at all with whom to talk openly and intimately.

Also published in 2004, a joint study by the World Health Organization and researchers from Harvard University found almost ten percent of Americans suffer from depression or bipolar disorder. They also found that binge eating and drinking are up, and that our children are medicated for depression and attention deficit disorder to an alarming degree. (Loneliness, New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Co., 2008, 247)]

2. For 72 years, researchers at Harvard have been following the lives of 268 men who entered college in the late 1930s, to try to find out if there is a formula --- "some mix of love, work, and psychological adaptation --- for a good life." When George Valliant, the head of the study was asked what he learnt from the study, this was his reply:

["It is social aptitude ... not intellectual brilliance or parental social class, that leads to successful ageing." Warm connections are necessary ... "That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people." (Joshua Wolf Shenk, "What Makes Us Happy?" The Atlantic, June 2009, 46)]

3. In her article, "What Are Friends For? A Longer Life," Tara Parker-Pope writes:

[In the quest for better health, many people turn to doctors, self-help books or herbal supplements. But they overlook a powerful weapon that could help them fight illness and depression, speed recovery, slow aging and prolong life: their friends. Researchers are only now starting to pay attention to the importance of friends and social networks in overall health.

A 10 -year Australian study found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die during the study period ..."In general, the role of friendship in our lives isn't well appreciated," said Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro. "There is just scads of stuff on families and marriage, but very little on friendship. It baffles me. Friendship has a bigger impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships." (NYTimes.com, April 20, 2009)]

I could quote many more sources, but the above three should suffice to establish the point that we need our friends to be truly alive. Or to quote my favourite Christian book on friendship,

[... friendship is basic to our nature, a fundamental need at the heart of what it means to be human ... A desire for friendship is one of our most basic and enduring inclinations, as inescapable as our need for food, drink, clothing, and shelter. (Paul J. Wadell, Becoming Friends, Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2002, 111)]

The growing appreciation of the importance friendship may help us to better understand why Jesus tells His disciples He is their friend. Biblical scholars have long noted that Jesus is the fulfilment of the Old Testament expectations that the Messiah would be prophet, priest, and king. In the gospel of John we find that our prophet, priest and king, is also our friend (John 15:9-17). Our need for friends point us to our need for our ultimate friend --- Jesus. Friendship is a weighty matter.

We would think that a church who follows a Lord who is a Friend would understand the importance of friendship. Unfortunately this is not the case. This morning I received an email from a brother in Christ. This is part of what he wrote:

[I feel that church is so unreal and plastic. I'm sick and tired of church. People are just moving in and rushing out. Most of the people I talk to are either the clergy or the younger kids. At this point of time, I'm really sick of church and ministry. I'm feeling so lonely in church now. Been there for such a long time, but no deep friendships formed. My closest friends are mostly outside the church.]

I will not tell you who wrote to me. I don't need to. He speaks for many in our churches.

Many in our churches are lonely and friendless. Most churches I know are absorbed with getting their doctrines right and/or getting things done for God. Few are concerned with ensuring that their people are loved and valued for whom they are, not just for what they can do. Few ensure that their people experience the friendship of Christ through the friendship of their brothers
and sisters.

Everyday, Bernice and I find fresh reminders of why the Lord has called us into a ministry of promoting friendship. Perhaps our vision can be: "Everyone having at least two close friends to share their life with." And if we are followers of Jesus, then "every follower of Jesus having at least two close friends in Christ with whom to follow Him." Many still don't understand what we are trying to do. Or they are bemused by the fact that we make such a big deal about friendship. We make a big deal about friendship because God does. We make a big deal about friendship because we need friends for life.